Swedish Death Cleaning
“A loved one wishes to inherit nice things from you. Not all things from you.”
Those of you who follow my Facebook page will know that I have been on the island for the past month preparing my mother for her move into seniors housing. What a whirlwind it has been!
Over a year ago, my mother applied for an apartment at an independent seniors complex within walking distance of our home on the mainland. We had been coaxing her for several years to apply, but news stories had convinced her that she would end up in a badly managed nursing home, neglected and mistreated. We would occasionally, purposely, walk by the building but she did not believe it was seniors housing as the building, only 8 years old, sits perched on the edge of a park and is impeccably maintained. At long last I was allowed to make an appointment and we went on a tour. The building was as beautiful inside as outside, and the staff and residents were welcoming and friendly - my mother loved it! She was invited to apply and was told the wait would be about 14 to 18 months. That was March 2019.
In early June I called and was told the wait would be another three to six months. I phoned my mother to tell her the news, knowing that after nearly three months of COVID isolation this news would cheer her up and give her something to look forward to. I also thought the time frame was perfect for us to start sorting through her belongings so she could decide what she would take with her. Well, I had no sooner hung up from chatting with my mother and the phone rang - would my mother be able to move on July 1st? It seems no one on the waiting list ahead of her qualified for a subsidized unit and so she had jumped to the top of the list! How could we say no? Who knew how long it would be before there was another vacancy? And so we said yes, even though it meant we only had a month to purge a lifetime of belongings during a time of social distancing, limits on non-essential travel, restrictions on garage sales, and closed thrift stores.
Today is exactly one month since my mother was offered the apartment and tomorrow, finally, we start packing. It has taken us the month of June to sort through all her belongings and make decisions as to what to get rid of. I have spent three hours with my mother every day, traveling down memory lane. Three hours because the process has been exhausting for her – and for me – both emotionally and physically! There has been frustration, laughter, and tears. My mother has shared stories I have never heard, and stories I have listened to so many times that I can repeat them word for word! I have returned in the morning to find items from the garbage pile moved back to the keep pile. I have been accused of getting rid of things she wants to keep. And I have calmly (for the most part!) reasoned with her that no one wants her torn, stained linens and clothes.
The pile of household goods that had to go was daunting! We have sold many items through the island’s Facebook garage sale page. Almost everything in the kitchen has gone to a community garage sale being planned for later this summer to raise funds for children at a school in Guatemala. And thankfully, the local thrift store that raises funds for the island’s health services has just reopened, allowing my mother to donate some of her treasures. During this process, I bundled four boxes of varied items together and listed them on the Facebook garage sale page, storage wars style – to the highest bidder went the spoils! Lisa, the successful bidder, arrived one morning to collect the bounty – and then offered to sell it all online for my mother! Lisa, who has been so kind and supportive during this process, also introduced me to Swedish death cleaning. And yes, I laughed when she first mentioned it. I had visions of funeral pyres floating out to sea, holding all the belongings of our elderly parents. Wishful thinking! But there really is such a thing as Swedish death cleaning!
In Swedish, the word for death cleaning is döstädning, which is a term for the cleaning and decluttering you do when you begin to reach the end of your life. Increasingly however, people are beginning to embrace this process in their 50’s and 60’s. One person described it as the opposite of Marie Kondo's decluttering method which focuses on only keeping things that bring you joy right now. The purpose of Swedish death cleaning is to keep only the things that your friends and family will want once you've died. Margareta Magnusson, author of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, and a woman who describes herself as somewhere between 80 and 100 years old, writes - "A loved one wishes to inherit nice things from you. Not all things from you."
Frankly, I don’t expect my children to want any of my possessions when I die, except possibly for some special mementos to remember me by. So I have made a commitment to myself that once I am settled back into a regular routine, I will begin purging my belongings. I will do this partly because I would like to live a more minimalist lifestyle but also because I never want my daughters to have to go through the process I am now going through with my mother. But I will only keep items that hold meaning for me - my girls are free to toss them when I go!
I will do this because during this journey I have seen the many items, precious to her, which my mother wants to give to her children and grandchildren. It hurts to know that most are not items we want. I have gently wrapped these treasures and promised my mother I will store them at my home for now and, in the near future, my brothers and I will sort through them. I know she will soon forget. My brothers and I may take one or two items that hold special meaning for us, as will her grandchildren, and the remaining treasures will be donated to a local thrift store.