Ordinary Love

I wake at 2 a.m. - again! The night air is cold. But I am cosy, wrapped in my husband’s arms, his hand resting on my stomach. I am - hopefully - on the final recovery stretch from a bacterial infection I picked up in Bali three weeks ago. The warmth of my husband’s healing hand eases the cramping I still get unexpectedly.

It is too early to get up. Instead, I listen to the night’s sounds, hoping the sounds of nature will lull me back to sleep. The frog chorus is subdued, croaking its last songs of the night. A gentle breeze lightly rustles through the trees. Then suddenly, silence. I hear nothing. I listen more intently. My husband’s steady breathing whispers in my ear. I am uncertain whether I hear or sense his heartbeat. Usually, this is enough to put me back to sleep, but not tonight. I try my usual bags of tricks - focusing on a black dot on the horizon, calculating our monthly budget in my head, dreaming about what I would do with a lottery win. Nothing works. I know it must now be just after 4 am as the sky has lost its inky darkness. I check my phone - it is 4:30 am. I am restless. I want to get up. But I don’t want to wake my husband. The soft chattering of a towhee signals 5 a.m.  I cannot lie here any longer.

I slide out from under my husband’s arm, stopping halfway until his breathing steadies. Quietly, I slip my glasses and iPad from my nightstand and grab my nightshirt from the end of the bed. The bedroom door closes with a soft click. I wrap myself in a blanket and curl up on the couch to watch the day awaken. Within minutes my husband pokes his head around the corner, as I knew he would. Am I alright, he asks? I assure him I am fine, but that sleep alludes me. He goes back to bed.

It was not the noise of the door that woke him; it was my absence. He does not sleep well when I am not beside him. Whenever I get up in the middle of the night and take too long, he comes looking for me.

My husband came home last night after heading to the mainland for a few days - a doctor’s appointment, a visit with our youngest daughter and her husband, rugby practice and catching up with his buddies, and some time with his brothers. I missed you, he told me this morning as we caught up. You were only gone a few days, and it sounds like you were too busy to miss me, I laughed. No, he replied, I missed you while you were sick. I missed you, putting the emphasis on you. 

We celebrated our 38th anniversary this month. I understand those words - I missed you. We know each other intimately and are sensitive to anything that disrupts our relationship even slightly. After so many years together the familiarity and ordinary routine of life together are a blessing and a comfort.

Reflections of Life released a video of Antony and Margie in December 2022, speaking about their long-lasting relationship and their mistakes and learnings. They received many messages asking for further glimpses into the lives of this couple and interviewed them again.

Many of Margie’s words resonate with me. In the first video, Love Lessons, she speaks of meeting Antony. “The first time I met Antony, I felt like I had found myself in him. This was the first time I felt I could be completely who I am…the biggest gift I have been given is someone who accepts me completely for who I am.” That is how I felt! What a strong foundation that is for a relationship.

I have been told by a friend that she is envious of my marriage. Some of our daughters' friends have said we are the perfect couple. Yes, we are blessed. But our relationship is just like any other. And in Antony’s words, “Sometimes we have the wind behind us and sail on. And other times, we tack back and forward over choppy waters, and we feel like we are going to drown. We make mistakes all the time, and getting stuck is sometimes part of the flow.” But we continue rowing north together.

“I feel quite strongly growing older, that however much I look back to a romantic postcard version of what life could be, that something fantastically, wonderfully ordinary has taken its place…ordinary is extraordinary,” Antony shares in their second video, What Is Love? When asked what is love, he responds, this is as good as it gets. He and Margie speak of the importance of having their own identities and the need to find a common direction in life, doing meaningful things together.

Antony says to his wife, “There’s almost an inevitability of looking around and finding you here, next to me in the same way that I lift the blind in the morning and see the sun come up. That has been a discovery for me that I did not expect.” He says it is the same as the presence of nature in his life, leaves changing, birds migrating, and the sun rising. “(Margie) is absolutely, intimately as much a part of it as all of that. I live in nature and my wife.”

I know we all live different lives and that some of my musings may not be relevant or of much interest to some of you. I know that not every one of my blog posts will resonate with all of you - like my post about never wearing thong underwear or when I promote my life story workshops. Please know that I always do some reflection before writing about relationships, marriage, or children. I know these posts in particular can be painful, and may evoke emotional memories for some of you. I know that because you have told me so. But theses stories are a significant part of my journey rowing north. I learn and grow through writing these stories, and while I know they are not for everyone, I hope they support and comfort some of you who are also on this journey.