Now I Become Myself
“Now I become myself. It’s taken time, many years and places.”
Two weeks ago, the headline in the news was, “Four more deaths, all elderly.” One of those who had died was John Fox, a 73-year old retired RCMP officer. Fox was a healthy, energetic man - a hiker, kayaker, golfer, and volunteer at a therapeutic horseback-riding group for children with developmental and physical disabilities. His family was shocked that his death was described as a statistic, clouded in this broad demographic referred to as elderly. “That word is so laden, so dismissive,” says his sister-in-law, Margaret Gillis.
Sharon, a 75-year old friend of mine feels much the same, “When I realized I was in the category of elderly, by our current situation, it diminished me, I felt vulnerable”. Sharon is a strong and vibrant woman who walks over 10,000 steps most days, travels and volunteers her time as a life coach. She is someone, who for me embodies the image of a wise woman. She is a deeply, self-perceptive person who shared, “I know who I am and elderly does not describe me”.
I have been giving a lot of thought to age this past year, and even more so these recent months. As a 61-year old woman, I am far from elderly, but I’m also not sure I can call myself middle-aged, although, in this 21st century, women often consider themselves middle-aged well into their 60s. But I don’t feel like I’m in the middle of anything, I feel like I’m at a tipping point.
Our generation of women in our 60’s is so different from our parents’ generation. Mary Pipher writes in her book, Women Rowing North, “We're much more assertive. We have higher expectations for ourselves. We certainly anticipate a longer lifespan.” We are also still young enough to consider building a new life – or a reincarnation of our life. I often think about what I’ll be when I grow up as I reflect on the many productive years ahead of me.
One of the reasons I started this blog was because I want to explore our collective journey as women ‘of a certain age’. I want to write with courage and wonder about our lives, the lessons we have learned, the obstacles we have faced and the wisdom we have to share. I want to create a community where we can support each other as we walk this path.
I don’t like the term ‘women of a certain age’, but what do we call ourselves? My friend Shelley says she loves the term queenager. My daughters refer to this as the ‘sweet spot’, an age where hopefully you are physically and mentally healthy, financially secure, unencumbered of children and able to spend time doing the things you love to do.
Shelley and Sharon both shared that they don’t mind being called elders. Sharon feels elder is a moniker of respect that speaks of experience, wisdom, and thoughtfulness. Shelley says she considers herself an elder in her field of expertise and that doesn’t offend her. I think of myself as a wisdom-speaker and a holder of knowledge, words that describe a rich life of experiences and learnings, and being called an elder feels right.
I know I continue to be surprised when I realize someone considers me old - like my neighbour recently. When I mentioned that we were delivering care packages to our kids during this time of self -isolation, he said, “Shouldn’t they be bringing you care packages?” And other times the reference to age takes me by surprise, like the time I ran into another neighbour while out walking the dog. The mother of two pre-teens she shared that her daughter desperately wants a convertible VW Beetle when she gets her license. When I mentioned that I drove a convertible VW bug that had been a 50th birthday gift to myself, she said, “Wow, you’ve had that car for a long time!” There was a moment of silence and then she looked at me absolutely mortified and apologized profusely. I laughed, her comment had made me think about how reliable the car continues to be – I hadn’t even thought about my age!
And I must admit, I also love it when someone thinks I am much younger than my years. I have been given a 65+ discount at certain stores, and have spoken up, appalled, even though I could have saved 50%. But then last week, I was asked for I.D. to prove I was over 55 years old to get a 10% discount at the pet store! That put a spring in my step for the rest of the day!
All this musing has not gotten me any closer to how to label my age. But maybe I don’t need to identify myself by age – if I do, I may feel the need to live within the parameters of that label! And, after all, what is age but an attitude?
I believe we naturally live into the transitions of our lives. I remember wondering when I would have children, and one day it just felt right to begin planning our family. I worried about how I would cope as an empty nester, and then it was just the two of us at home – and I loved this new lifestyle! More recently, I realized I was no longer as driven by my career and felt ready to ease into living a more gentle life. And I expect one day I will wake up and discover that I am elderly.
Has the recent pandemic and de-valuing of older people impacted your thinking about your journey through life?
How do you describe who you are? Do you include an age label? Do you feel you need to?