What is a Good Life?
“You make a good life out of what you have, not what you’re missing.”
I spent most of yesterday cleaning the backyard. I pulled weeds, gently removed dried leaves from new growth and scrubbed the patio and garden furniture. My husband came home with a flat of pale pink geraniums, my favourite shade. I scattered them around the yard, some in a window box, others in terra cotta pots, and they provided splashes of brightness among the many shades of green plants and vines. I set up two seating arrangements at opposite ends of the garden and, as the sun began to set, our neighbours came over for happy hour. We had debated getting together, worried about social distancing, but we each brought our own drinks and sat a good 15 feet apart. I felt relaxed and so happy to chat with friends who I could visit with in person. My husband and I ended our evening watching the final episode of Modern Family while enjoying barbecued steaks and salad, served with a full-bodied red wine.
The day was a fairly typical weekend day. It was a day that filled me with deep contentment. Throw in some books, long walks, travel and family dinners and I could spend most of my days like yesterday. I am living a good life.
But what is a good life? I recognize that a good life for my 61-year-old self is very different from what I thought was a good life as a partying teenager, newly married young mother and workaholic middle-aged woman. And, I suppose the good life awaiting me may feel different from today.
Over the last few years, I’ve come to better understand what it means for me to live a good life. But I’ve struggled to put it into words. What I do know is that there’s more to a good life than being happy. Last week I watched a TEDTalk by the author and journalist, Emily Esfahani Smith, who helped me put my thoughts into context. Based on her research and interviews she has identified four pillars – belonging, transcendence, purpose, and storytelling – that she believes give meaning to life. This was helpful for me in framing my thoughts as to what elements I think are important to living a good life.
Absorption
Pico Iyer says he loves the word absorption because that is what he considers the definition of happiness. “All of us know we are happiest when we forget ourselves”, he writes, “when we forget the time, when we lose ourselves in a beautiful piece of music or a movie or a deep conversation with a friend or an intimate encounter with someone we love”. When I lose myself in an activity, like working on our garden, I am completely absorbed, and for me that is happiness.
Belonging
I feel a deep sense of belonging in my relationships with family, friends, and community and I also know I belong to something larger. I know I am loved and valued for who I am and I no longer feel like I need to be someone other than my true self. We all need to know that we matter to others.
Storytelling
I wasn’t sure how to put this into words until I listened to author and journalist, Emily Esfahani Smith. I have recently taken to writing more about my life, weaving my past and my presence. I am deepening my relationship with myself through these narratives and this helps me make sense of myself and the world.
A Strong Sense of Self
Once again, words from a quote describe this element so well, this time by Fred Rogers who said – “It’s not the honours and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff.”
Purpose
I believe we all need a purpose. Recently, I was wondering whether I should be looking for a new purpose for the coming years. I had shared with the instructor of a course I was taking that there are so many issues that matter to me and I am pulled in far too many directions – I just don’t know where I can make a difference! She responded with some gentle advice. She suggested I trust my inner knowing and then added –
Perhaps, and this is just a thought, our contribution to the repair of the world may look different or take a different form than it did when we were younger.
Perhaps there are ways you now get to be, unknown to your younger self, that reflect who you've become.
Perhaps it's less about finding your passion but about doing whatever you're doing passionately.
What a wise woman! She reminded me that I had found my purpose many years ago, I just need to give some thought as to how I can best use my strengths to fulfill my purpose.
Make a Good Life Out of What You Have
And the final element refers back to the quote I started this blog post with – “make a good life out of what you have, not what you are missing”. I no longer think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, or look for the pot at the end of the rainbow. I am content with what I have. That is enough.
Have you thought about whether you are living a good life? We may have very different thoughts as to what constitutes a good life - but I suspect the elements of what I consider a good life, may resonate with you.