Better or Bitter As We Age?

Photo by Stefan Kunze on Unsplash

I have not yet read A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman. The main character, Ove, is described as a curmudgeon. He is the kind of man who points at people he dislikes as if they were burglars caught outside his bedroom window. He has staunch principles, strict routines, and a short fuse. People call him the bitter neighbour from hell.

We have all heard stories of curmudgeonly, older people who complain. We may even have known one or two. I have family members who could be described in these terms. Although, if I think about it, they were probably always like that! 

Rodica Damian, a social scientist at the University of Houston, says the stereotype of older people being more grumpy is false. We actually tend to become more empathetic and compassionate as we grow older. Our personalities soften as we age. A 2018 study suggests that our calmness, self-confidence, leadership, and social sensitivity all increase as we age.

I always thought personalities were fixed. I have met old friends from my younger days who have not changed. But according to psychologists, personalities do develop and change. The shifts, however, says Brent Roberts, a psychologist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, are so subtle over time that the change can seem nearly imperceptible.

Some of us may change less than others, but we all change. What makes personality change hard to recognize in ourselves is that everyone else is changing right along with us.

Over time, we also become more conscientious and agreeable; and less neurotic. Research shows that we develop into more altruistic and trusting individuals. Our willpower increases and we develop a better sense of humour. As we get older we also have better control over our emotions.

Far from being fixed in childhood or young adulthood – as experts thought for years – our personalities are fluid and malleable. “People become nicer and more socially adapted,” says René Mõttus, a psychologist from the University of Edinburgh. “They are increasingly able to balance their expectations of life with societal demands. We are not the same person for the whole of our life.” 

This process of change that occurs as we age is called personality maturation. It is a gradual change that begins in our teenage years and continues into at least our eighth decade. And it seems to be universal: the trend is seen across all human cultures.

How do these personality changes develop? There are two fields of thought. Some scientists believe our personalities are genetically programmed. Others think they are partly forged by genetic factors but then sculpted by social pressures throughout our lives.

Evidence does suggest that dramatic life events alone, such as marriage, the birth of a child or the loss of a loved one, do not cause personality change. Although they may reinforce our personalities as we bring our characteristics with us to each particular situation. The changing expectations placed on us — as we adjust to university, the workforce, starting a family — do slowly wear us in, almost like a pair of shoes, says Roberts. "Over time, you are asked in many contexts across life to do things differently," he continues. "There is no user manual for how to act, but there are clear implicit norms for how we should behave in these situations." So we adapt.

Do you find your personality has changed over the years? How about your partner, friends, and people around you?

I see it in others. I guess I just never saw it as a shift in personality; but rather as a change in circumstances. I thought we were all more laid back, thoughtful, and compassionate because we now have more time and fewer worries. 

My blog has been described as gentle and soothing, a calm paddle north for women. I think my blog mirrors the changes in my personality. I believe I am now nicer, more emphatic and caring. There are people from my past, some who knew me as an adolescent, young adult, and career woman, who would find that hard to believe. They do not like me, and rightfully so. The younger me could be mean, critical, and unforgiving. And those characteristics still raise their ugly heads from time to time! Thankfully, my personality has shifted - even I like the woman I have become more than the woman I used to be!