A Light in the Dark — Ageless Possibilities

“I have a joke with my sister, who I love very much…how will we recognize each other in an abstract life when we’ve lost our physical form?”

“And I say, I know…through our light. Elize, my sister, has unbelievable energy. She will radiate the light of a disco ball. And I’ll be a hazard light…We will be able to recognize each other.”

I met Daleen in the Green Renaissance video, There Are Angels. I laughed as I imagined her as a hazard light.

Listening to her words, I immediately recognized my light. I am a three-way bulb set on low. My light is warm and welcoming, gently dimming the harsh edges of reality. Sufficient light for reading but not enough to see the darkness in the corners. My light welcomes deep conversation and contemplation.

Daleen continues the interview and speaks of shadow and light, and how it is easier to recognize the light when in contrast to darkness. Edith Piaf, she shares, said every morning that she had to fight for light, for lightness in her darkness before she could live.

“If you are born with the knowledge that you have depression in your blood, you must acknowledge it,” Daleen shares. “That’s part of life. That is part of the bigger picture. You become whole when you start to acknowledge and accept your darkness. This doesn’t mean acknowledging the darkness will make it go away. But it becomes lighter. You need to allow space for the darkness and the light, for the laughter and the tears, because it is from there that your dancing star is born. When you break the darkness it sprinkles into a prism of light, creating depth. Because light is not just one colour.”

I have depression in my blood. Listening to these words, I wonder, is that why I am drawn to the quality of light rather than a spectrum of colour?

Three years ago, I wrote a blog post about the colours of sadness. I read Beyond the Blues: Poet Mary Ruefle’s Stunning Color Spectrum of Sadnesses, an article by the Maria Popova from The Marginalian in which she shares Mary Ruefle’s colour palette of sadness. Ruefle describes how sadness can occupy a vast spectrum of hues; sadness can be menacing — but it can also be beautiful and bountiful. At the time, I referenced the colours of sadness that drew me in. I re-visited the article this week and discovered I am now drawn to different colours of sadness.

“Pink sadness… is the sadness of shame when you have done nothing wrong, pink sadness is not your fault, and though even the littlest twinge may cause it, it is the vast bushy top on the family tree of sadness, whose faraway roots resemble a colossal squid with eyes the size of soccer balls.”

“Brown sadness is the simple sadness. It is the sadness of huge upright stones. That is all. It is simple. Huge, upright stones surround the other sadnesses, and protect them. A circle of huge, upright stones — who would have thought it?”

In another blog post, written around the same time, I mention how the quality of the light seen before sunset fills me with deep contentment. In Landscapes of Spirituality and Aging, Kathleen Montgomery wrote, “the French have a phrase for that part of the day when it is no longer daylight but not yet dark, l’heure bleue…That’s how I’ve come to think of this stage of life: bittersweet and beautiful because of the quality of the remaining light.”

In that blog post, I responded to Montgomery’s quote by saying that I hope every sunset will be brilliant before fading over the horizon. I also shared my wish to be blessed with many years so that I could spread a brilliant glow. Interesting how, three years later, I now see myself as a soft glow.

So I am intrigued to hear what kind of light you see yourself as? And has your light changed over the years?

If you took the time to read Maria Popova’s piece on sadness, is there one colour of sadness that resonates?

Please feel free to leave your comments below. I know other women rowing north will be as interested in reading your reflections as I am!

In the Green Renaissance video, Daleen reaches a dark point where she tells a friend that no one can help her; only the angels can help her now. For any of you who have experienced the dark night of the soul, as I have, Daleen’s interview is worth watching.