Wherever You Go, You Take Yourself With You
“It’s like the people who believe they’ll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn’t work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.”
In my early twenties, I moved west, 3,800 kilometres away from my parents, a directionless life and much unhappiness. I thought running away and starting over would reward me with a fresh start. But much of what I tried to leave behind was tucked into my suitcase. I returned home a year later, never having unpacked.
Three years later, I tried again. This time, I was a bit wiser, and I packed my suitcase better. I had shed some of the heavier baggage. I had a plan. The unexpected factor in this scenario is that I met my future husband, and it was a fresh start!
My parents moved us when I was in grade one, again halfway through grade nine, and then three more times over the next few years. Each move was for a legitimate reason - closer to work, lower rent, closer to school, and finally, the purchase of their own home. They lived there for ten years before moving again, and again, and again! In total, I think my parents moved eight times before my father passed away. They had reasons for each of these moves, but I think they may also have been looking for something they needed or wanted that they could not find - or there was something they were unable to leave behind!
As often happens when writing a blog post, I stumble upon sentences in books that align with the topic I am mulling over. Here are a few that had me thinking about why women may move, run away, or travel - and what parts of themselves they take along.
Running away from what you think you might become
“I think all the travelling I did was a way of running, you know, running from what I thought I might become.”
I wish I could remember where I read these words! But yes, whether it is your parents’ expectations, family dysfunction, or the church’s denial of your sexuality, there are many reasons we leave because we want to stay true to ourselves. We take the best parts of ourselves along for the journey.
Overcoming grief and loneliness
“The trouble with having a change of scene is you get there and find you feel just the same.… The problem was me. There was no escape from grief and loneliness. So long as I stayed in the same ageing body with my same curdled memories, I was my own life sentence. - The Life Impossible, Matt Haig
Grief, loneliness, depression, anxiety - only time, coping skills, or support can heal these wounds. There are some things we cannot escape.
Running towards an unspecified goal
“She thought she had stopped when she retired, but she hadn’t stopped at all. She’d kept on running hopelessly toward some unspecified, unattainable goal.” - Liane Moriarty in Apples Never Fall
Many of us spend our working years defined by goals and objectives. You may be like I was, achieving a goal and immediately setting another goal. And then what? As I entered retirement, instead of setting goals, I sought the unique gifts I possess that I want to give back to the world. Your unique gifts stay with you wherever you go. Would you like to discover your unique gifts so you can stop running towards that unspecified, unattainable goal? Check out my blog post, Our Gifts to the World.
Taking a break from life
I got married. We had our daughters thirteen months apart. I launched my career. At times, life was crazy! Did I want to run away? No. Did I occasionally dream about running away? Of course, I did.
Time alone is something I have always needed to restore my energy. When our girls were little, my husband would head off on day-long adventures with them, gifting me time alone. If I went on a business trip, I would add an extra night or two for the sheer luxury of solitary time. I need regular breaks from life!
When my girls were pre-teens, they thought I had run away. I had a writing project with a deadline and felt a few quiet days away would help me concentrate. I decided I would head to Whidby Island. I packed the car and told my husband I would call him when I knew where I was staying. I ended up in a cosy cabin near Greenbank with a fireplace and a rocking chair on the porch. I went to call my husband, but there was no cell service. I was unable to reach him until late that night. My poor girls. They knew I had been feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Then they watched their father getting increasingly worried as he did not know where I was. They reached the conclusion that I had run away!
Does taking a break solve my problems? No, but time alone does give me a reprieve from feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and I return better able to cope with what life throws at me. In these situations, I leave some of the stress behind when I return home.
Wherever you go, there you are. - Confucius
I have known for a long time that I cannot escape who I am.
Last year, we packed up and left our home of 35 years to move to our island home. We left behind family, friends, and a familiar routine. We also left behind traffic, noise, and a world where societal expectations still weighed too heavy on my shoulders.
These days, I am surrounded by nature; trails start at my doorstep, and the ocean is only a two-minute drive away. I have joined a writing group. We attend concerts in small venues. I visit the library weekly to re-stock my pile of books. I have made new friends. I spend long stretches alone writing and reading. I continue to facilitate life writing workshops online.
With this move, I have again taken myself with me because this move has not been about escaping or running away. This time, I have taken the best parts of myself along to a community where I can become an even better version of myself!
Have you dreamed of running away? What were the circumstances?
When you travel, are you running away or running towards?
Have you ever taken a break from your life that solved your problems?
Have you walked away from your life at some point in the past?