What Is Me? And What Is Us?
“If you are too much like myself, what shall I learn of you, or you of me? ”
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Krista Tippit interviews the most interesting people! Last year I listened to an interview with Esther Perel, who some of you will be familiar with. Perel is a psychotherapist with broad interests - culture and sexuality, modernity and tradition, individualism and collectivism, and relationships and eroticism. Her website is worth exploring because she is not a woman who can be described in a simple sentence.
Krista asks Esther Perel a question she sometimes asks guests, “What, for you, does it mean to be human?” Perel responds - "we all come into this world with a need for connection and protection, with a need for freedom. And from the first moment on, we will be straddling these two needs: what is me, and what is us? … this constant dance between you and me, between me and thou, is at the core of being human.”
Lately, I have been thinking about my relationship with my husband. Retirement draws closer. Much like the beginning of our relationship, we are exploring our passions and dreams for these coming years. I have been thinking about what is me, what is him, and what is us. There is so much in our relationship that I would define as us. He is my best friend; I am his. We finish each other’s sentences, know what the other is thinking, and understand each other’s weaknesses and strengths. We spend a fair bit of time apart, yet we are tightly wound together by our deep love and respect for each other. But soon, we will be spending a lot more time together. Our rhythm will change; we will need to adapt.
During our 36-year marriage, we made 5- and 10-year plans. We would each take some alone time to think about what we wanted individually, as a couple, and as a family. A process focused on various themes - financial, travel, friends, fitness, personal goals, and other areas of interest. We would then sit together and share, compare, and negotiate. Now, on the brink of retirement, as we plan the rest of our lives together, I am more aware of the items that are non-negotiable for me.
We spend a good part of our lives putting others first. It is how we have been conditioned. However, many men I know have also done the same. Still, as a woman, I identified myself first as a mother, wife, and daughter. I am not sure if men do the same. I remember after our girls were born, we had a conversation about who comes first. I told him that our children, while young, came before him. He said I would always come first. The girls are now grown. They are independent, strong and both have loving partners. My husband now comes first. Although that is not entirely true, I now place greater importance on myself in this relationship.
I heard of a woman who left her husband just as they both retired. She told him life was short; she wanted to live the life she had always wanted. After forty years of marriage, another woman inherited an unexpectedly large inheritance. An inheritance is not marital property; she left her husband, taking her significant inheritance with her.
I have no desire to leave my husband. Hopefully, he feels the same! We are an extension of each other. We want what is best for the other, a future that will fulfill us both. Yet I also want to live the life I yearn to live. And so I return to this dance between me and thou. As Esther Perel said in her interview - What right do I have to do for me when it hurts you? How much can I ask for myself and not give to you? How much do I give to you until I feel I have not given enough to myself? How much do I make sure not to lose you but lose me in the process? Or how much do I have to hold onto me but lose you in the process? What am I willing to concede for us? And I think, what is non-negotiable for me?