Photo by Centre for Ageing Better: https://www.pexels.com/photo/smiling-women-taking-selfie-21405561/

It seems there is a formula for turning an acquaintance into a friend. It is called the 11-3-6 rule. Supposedly, it takes eleven encounters, each three hours long, over six months or so, to turn an acquaintance into a friend. Who makes this shit up, I wonder? Google tells me there is science behind this formula. When I finally found the research, I discovered it is based on a study conducted by Fisherman’s Friend - yes, the lozenge company. Two-thirds of UK participants in the study stated they are actively looking to add to their friendship circle, and 58% claimed they need a good number of friends to feel content. The study participants were 18+ adults. I suspect most were far younger than my 66 years.

Quality over quantity

Do I need a ‘good number’ of friends to be content? Nope, my handful of friends are more than sufficient! And the 11-3-6 rule sounds socially exhausting! I prefer spending treasured hours with my small circle of good friends, choosing quality over quantity.

I am not alone. While young women tend to actively look for new contacts, older women deliberately shrink their social networks, says Katherine Fiori, a professor of psychology at Adelphi University, New York. "As people age, their perspective on the future changes,” Fiori says. "Their priorities shift, and they tend to be focused on socio-emotional goals.” We cultivate a smaller, high-quality circle of friends. Fiori claims that the winnowing down of the ‘weaker’ friendships is purposeful – we are doing it to focus on our close ties as we get closer to death.

The ‘death’ word makes me cringe. My eventual death does not factor into my decisions about friendships. And yet, I am aware that I have begun choosing quality over quantity. I have abandoned some friendships that drained rather than filled me. Researchers have found that this whittling down in our later years is deliberate. This increases the "emotional density" of our social circle – creating a smaller, tighter group.

Friends may become our chosen family

Frequent interactions with a close friend can actually boost happiness in old age more than those with close family. Some friendships become so close that the word itself may not feel like enough to convey the depth of the relationship. A friend may feel like a sibling. Friends can become fictive kin, Fiori suggests, offering the warmth and dependability of family, as well as the pleasure of friendship.

Four is the magic number

Alexandra Thompson, a mental health research fellow at Newcastle University in the UK explored the optimal number of friends older adults should have for their psychological well-being and to combat loneliness. She found that four close friends was the ideal number, more friends offer no substantial benefits to our well-being. What matters is the quality and depth of intimacy in the friendships we have, says Thompson.

Welcoming new friends

However, Fiori and her colleagues suggest that being open to new friendships is always worthwhile. Different relationships fulfil different roles. Our closest friendships are with friends who offer us emotional and social support. But we have other interests that might open the door to other friendships.

I think of my friends and what we have in common. My friendships tend to be one-to-one. Rarely do I get together with a group of friends, mainly because my friends individually fill different needs in my life. And yet, the few times some of us have gotten together, there has been a synergy, indicating a common thread among my friends. I will have to give some thought to what that might be!

I know some of you have many, many friends. I also know some of you, like me, struggle with making new friends. I would love to read your comments in light of what I have written. How many friends do you have? Do you find yourself whittling down your friendships?

Older women choose quality over quantity when it comes to friendship