Old Lovers
“True love requires faith, trust and loyalty. Not chocolates, flowers and expensive gifts.”
I wasn’t going to write about Valentine’s Day today. My husband and I don’t ‘do’ Valentine’s Day. I find the line-ups of men buying cards and flowers at the last minute depressing. Love should be expressed every day, with an embrace, a kind word, or a loving smile. We are celebrating our 35th anniversary in May and it did cross my mind that maybe I should craft something that speaks of the deep love that exists between a couple after so many years. I decided not to.
But then this morning, as I was catching up on my social media, I read a blog post shared on Facebook, A Guide for all the Old Lovers. The first paragraphs captured exactly what I would want to share with you, and my daughters, and their friends, and anyone who might be interested in knowing what ‘old love’ feels like.
I need to preface these paragraphs by sharing with you the beginnings of our relationship. During my adolescence and early 20’s I craved to be loved and my need for love was so intense that I drifted into unhealthy relationships with the wrong men. I never had a serious relationship; my encounters with men were fleeting, painful, and sad. Looking back as I got older, I know that there were young men who did love me, but I never felt worthy of them and I destroyed those relationships. I am ashamed of the pain I caused. There is one particular man who I wish I could still reach out to so I could apologize, but some things need to remain in the past.
I met my husband at a rugby party when I was 26 years old. My future husband wanted to walk me home after the party and I said no, I could find my own way home. He invited me to a rugby barbecue a few days later. I said yes. I think he was in love with me almost right from the start. He was kind, gentle, and caring. I did everything I could to push him away. But I couldn’t get rid of him. How could I not fall in love with a man like that? We were planning our life together after four weeks, we got engaged five months later, and we were married a year later.
For many years I thought he would wake up one day and realize the mistake he had made. I thought the clouds would lift and he would see who I truly was, and he would leave. But he didn’t. Slowly I came to realize that he knew exactly who I was and that he loved me despite all my faults and idiosyncrasies. I get teary-eyed as I write this because there are days that I still don’t feel worthy of his love.
He is my rock. He believes in me, supports me, and encourages me to dream and take chances. He has never criticized me except to tell me that I am too hard on myself. I would not be the strong, independent woman I am today, if not for him. Our girls left our nest a few years ago and being alone, just the two of us again, has deepened our love and re-kindled the passion. Retirement is approaching and I cannot wait to spend our lives together as this new life stage approaches.
And so I want to share with you the beginning of Ann Voskamp’s blog post, How to Wildly Flirt and Stay Deeply in Love: A Guide for all the Old Lovers. But do click the link and read the entire blog post. Ann has a deeply grounded faith in God and I do not, and so our descriptions of ‘old love’ are different, but they are also the same. Her first paragraphs capture exactly how I would describe the relationship my husband and I have, a love laid bare over so many years together, as he has seen all of me, and I have seen all of him.
He knows the edges of my story that bruise when touched, the places that are fractured and fraught, the spaces within me that ache tender with emptiness. He knows what shames me. He has seen all of me. And I don’t just mean the sagging and the flabby and the cellulite — I mean my ugliness that’s spewed words that can’t be stuffed back into any bottle, and the sins that have marred and scarred long stretches of my soul. I mean, he’s bore witness to my selfishness, and he can testify to where pride still rears its twisted head.
Looking into his eyes, I know that he knows, and he knows that he knows, and this is what it means to be naked and unashamed.
Old love is the most suggestive love of all because it suggests that the whole of us is actually known and we are still wholeheartedly loved. It is only in being really known, in ways that we wish nobody ever knew, that we can ever really know love.