Holding Space for Each Other

Illustration by @tinygiantlife

Imagine, you are struggling with depression and you have a friend who comes over every day and all he does is sit in silence with you and massages your feet. This is a story that Parker J. Palmer, author, activist, and speaker loves to recount about his friend Bill who did just that when Palmer was going through his first bout of depression many years ago. "Bill asked my permission to do this, and when I said yes, he came to my house every afternoon at about four o'clock, sat me down on a chair, took my shoes and socks off and massaged my feet for about 30 minutes. He didn't say many words. He just somehow knew that what I needed more than anything else was a connection to the human race—and he found the only place in my body where I could feel that connection, or feel anything: the soles of my feet…He was simply with me, present to me, and he kept my connection to humanity alive during a deadly time".

This is a perfect example of what I wrote about in last week's blog post, My Wise Old Man, the gift of holding space for someone, being present for someone without judgment or giving advice. Last week's blog post resonated with many of you. Yes, it was a story about my dog, and we all love touching stories about dogs, but you also shared that the idea of holding space made you think about what that would look like in your relationships.

I was initially introduced to holding space through work. As a community developer I have learned numerous techniques to listen to people – talking stick, authenticity circles, cultivating compassion, active listening, non-violent communication, etc. 

Then in 2015, I attended a retreat on Bowen Island offered through the Center for Courage and Renewal. I usually steer away from retreats that sound 'touchy-feely' or workshops with a room full of strangers, but this retreat, based on Parker J. Palmer's teachings, inviting me to 'explore solitude in community' was appealing. I am so glad I attended. It was a bit awkward at first. People were not full of curiosity about who I was, why I was there and what I hoped to accomplish – which is usually the introduction to most group processes I had participated in. Instead, I was invited into a circle to renew and reconnect to the inner passion and sense of purpose that gave meaning to my work and life. In this circle, with the help of conversation, creative process, stories, and poetry, we supported one another to re-discover the inner wisdom that guides and sustains us. It was my first introduction to holding space for others.

 Lately, I’ve been thinking about how to hold space for friends and people in my life. Earlier this week I was reading about belonging and friendship through an online course I am taking at Simon Fraser University, Innovative Perspectives on Aging and Resilience. A brilliant course taught by Monica Franz that I would highly recommend! One piece of information, which I found particularly intriguing, focused on the factors of resilient friendship among older adults, factors that dovetail so nicely with holding space.

Factors of Resilient Friendship Among Older Adults

Focus on the positive

A focus on the positive is frequently identified in research as the primary bond of friendship among older adults.

Presence of appreciation, openness, respect, generosity, and engagement

These factors increase in friendships among older adults and are also mitigating factors against criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling which can erode friendships.

Friends are given the benefit of doubt

We give our friends the benefit of doubt, recognizing that they are probably having a bad day rather than being purposely hurtful.

Shared values

As we get older we are much clearer about the values that are integral to who we are. We may have different opinions or preferences than are friends but the values we share are the same.

Commitment to the integrity of the other

We want our friends to be the whole of who they are and we are respectful of their values, time, privacy, idiosyncrasies, and dignity, to name but a few.

More consideration about age-related changes and limitations in self and other

And, we are kinder and more considerate of limitations around aging.

Reading the factors of resilient friendship, I realized that they all contribute to our capacity to hold space for others; it is something that becomes easier with age.  But how do we hold space for others? Based on my learnings and experience, I've identified four touchstones that give me guidance in holding space for others:

My friends have the inner resources they need.

I need to give people space to trust their own wisdom and intuition. I truly believe that we all have the answers within.

Put aside my own needs and opinions.

Like many of you, I have this desire to help, to fix and to give advice. I need to remind myself that this is not about me. 

Listen with compassion and acceptance

I just need to be there for the other person. I need to let go of judgment and offer support. 

Turn to wonder

For me, this touchstone from the Center for Courage and Renewal is the most profound. It is about shifting from curiosity – which is all about me - to a place of wonder – which is all about the other person. I need to offer deep listening and then, rather than asking questions that feed my curiosity, I need to do my best to provide guidance by asking questions or making comments that come from a place of wonder. 

Parker J. Palmer summed up the value of holding space when he shared the personal gift his friend Bill and other friends had given him - "I took comfort and strength from those few people who neither fled me nor tried to save me but were simply present to me. Their willingness to be present revealed their faith that I had the inner resources…quietly bolstering my faltering faith that perhaps, in fact, I did."