Being Alive in a Broken World
“Tiny beautiful things are bursting forth in the darkest places, in the smallest nooks and deepest cracks of the hidden world, and I am going to keep looking every single day until I find one.”
“Enough with all your spiritual platitudes”, I read on Instagram, “if you knew how difficult our lives were right now you would realize that your posts are causing me pain and anger rather than giving me relief and support”. That post hit home – and hit hard. Many of the social posts I have read lately have given me comfort or made me laugh but yes, there have been a few posts that made me think, you have no idea what is happening in my life and your words hurt. I realize though that others, like me, are sharing quotes and experiences that they find helpful. I know I have been very intentional about what I have been posting this past week, sharing my personal experiences and feelings, and hoping my posts might give you some solace.
When I read the above statement on Instagram it made me stop and think about my blog post this week. I had drafted a few thoughts over the last few days and hadn’t actually planned to touch on the topic that is at the forefront of everyone’s mind these days. But how could I not? As hard as I try not to let this situation take over my life, it is consuming far too much of my time. I need to share what’s happening in my life – the good, the bad and the ugly. And luckily for me, the good far outshines the bad and the ugly – for now.
THE UGLY
This week my husband, as part of the senior management team at his company, had to make the difficult decision to make numerous layoffs. The rest of the staff, from management down, were given pay cuts. It has been stressful and heart-wrenching.
My anxiety is fed by uncertainty and there are days I struggle to keep it together. Those of you who also cope with anxiety and depression will understand why this falls under the ‘ugly’ category for me.
THE BAD
Like you, we are self-isolating. I miss my daughters, especially their comforting hugs. And I worry about my mother, living alone on the island.
For months, I have been looking forward to attending the Soul of Aging Institute to be trained as a facilitator. The Institute has been canceled.
I expect we will need to adjust our retirement goal. We do not have pensions and our investments continue to dive.
THE GOOD
As I’m writing this I feel some comfort because the good far outweighs the bad and the ugly - for now!
I am an introvert and self-isolating is really not that difficult for me. I have my books, music, writing, garden and the great outdoors – I don’t need much else.
I am grateful for so many things and as Brother David says in the beautiful Louie Schwartzberg video, Gratitude, every day is a gift. I have eyes I can open to see the beauty around me; I have drinkable water and electricity; and, I am connected to smiling people. I watch this video regularly to remind myself that yes, even today is a beautiful day.
I am so thankful for the Internet! I can borrow e-books from the library, order almost anything I need, listen to beautiful music and see the faces of my daughters and friends as we chat. I am also grateful for online learning. I am just wrapping up Perspectives On Resilience and Aging, a Simon Fraser University course I highly recommend. And, with the Soul of Aging Institute canceled, I am now registered to become an instructor in GAB, Guided Autobiography, an online training that is no longer a conflict.
Nature always feeds my soul but right now, in Mary Oliver’s words, “every day I see or hear something that kills me with delight”. Yesterday my husband and I went on a long beach walk with Tucker and then enjoyed a picnic, the sun beating down on us as we sat back against a log. We watched over 20 eagles soaring over our heads and diving for fish only a few feet away. It was breathtaking.
Our medical health officer, a woman with tremendous compassion, reminds us to be safe, kind and calm. In our housing co-op, people are helping neighbours and children are practicing social distance, staying out of the playground and playing ball and stick games. Last evening, we enjoyed happy hour with our neighbours, raising our voices to be heard over the fence that separated us.
In a phone call earlier this week, a friend and I wondered whether our age demographic was best positioned to come out of this relatively unscathed – not old enough to get really sick and hopefully able to recoup our financial losses before retirement. And yes, that is true for some of us but we also have friends and family who are immunosuppressed or who are not financially secure. However, most of us at our age have garnered an emotional, psychological, and spiritual resilience, generated by our maturity and experience of life. We also have a stronger sense of purpose or meaning of life, as well as wisdom accumulated from a lifetime of living. These are all factors that will help us cope during this time.
So no spiritual platitudes as I wrap up this blog post, however, I do want to leave you with a humorous post that was shared on my Facebook feed, originating from Adam Bedford. This post made me laugh as I imagined this little voice speaking to me over the fence.
Our 5-year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
“JEAN, YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE”.
“Okay, I will in a minute”.
“YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS”.
“I’m not that old, thank you”.
“HOW OLD ARE YOU, JEAN?”
“I’m 68”.
“THAT IS NEARLY 70, JEAN”.