Women Like Me
“More than anything else, I want to be myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I’m not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies.”
Belonging is a feeling of connectedness, a sense of being part of something. You feel accepted; there is a synergy with your people. But it is more than that. Belonging is also tied to our social identity, our shared beliefs or ideals. In a Forbes article, Missing Your People, Jeanine Stewart, a senior consultant with the Neuroleadership Institute states that when we share a sense of social identity with a group, we can lean in, use our strengths, and authentically be who we are. Being surrounded by other human beings doesn’t guarantee a sense of belonging. It is interactions over time, with people like ourselves, that support us to be authentic human beings.
For years I lived on an island looking at the mainland. I never felt like I belonged. I have shared this with you numerous times in blog posts. Some of you have shared that you feel the same. In recent years I have begun to feel a sense of belonging. Maybe because I am older or wiser. Maybe because I am now more authentic, no longer hiding behind societal expectations. Partly I suppose, but I think the main reason is I have put myself out there by starting Ageless Possibilities. I shared with you my values, thinking there must be other women who feel the same, wanting to connect with women who understood what I was feeling - and you responded. You subscribed to Ageless Possibilities, followed me on social media, and sent me personal messages. You shared that you could relate, that this was the group you didn’t know you were looking for, and that you also felt a strong sense of connection.
This is also one of the pleasures I get from facilitating life story writing workshops. Yes, it is about writing our stories, but it is also about connecting to other women. Often, a participant will read her story, and one of the other women in the group will say, that is my story! Change the names, the location - and you have just told my story! There is something powerful about knowing we are not alone.
Why haven’t we found each other earlier? I think the ties that bind us are not something we can bring up in a social setting, or discuss at a dinner party. What we share is raw and honest and not something for casual conversation. Now, older and wiser, we are able to lean into who we are with honesty and speak our truth. Occasionally I cringe when I read a blog I have posted, thinking I have revealed too much. Yet blogging offers anonymity that for me, is freeing. If not for blogging, I am not sure if I would have found you.
In an Instagram post this summer, I wrote that I had just discovered that author and psychologist, Charlotte Kasl had died last August, only days after my mother’s death. In 1997, at the age of 39, I purchased her book, A Home for the Heart: Creating Intimacy and Community with Loved Ones, Neighbours, and Friends. This book continues to provide comfort and support. In that post, I wrote, “The pages are now yellowed and my pencilled comments faded, but my older self remembers what drew me to this book 25 years ago. I had always felt I never quite belonged. For too many years, I was reluctant to be my true self because I thought I would not be accepted. Charlotte Kasl, a psychotherapist and Quaker, held my hand and helped me better understand how to relate to others while remaining true to myself.”
Yes, I learned to be true to myself - for the most part! The book helped strengthen my relationships with my husband, family, and friends. However, it has taken me much longer to feel like I belong!
I pulled the book down from my bookshelf and perused some of the chapters as I worked on this blog post. This time, reading Kasl’s words through a lens of belonging. Three points stood out for me in the first pages of the book.
Notice when you feel real. “We become real to ourselves as we connect to our inner world and spend time with people who are also honest and authentic. It’s like a circular flow of energy that helps us become alive to ourselves. Think of a time you felt real with someone. When people are real to us, we see beyond superficial appearances.”
Observe your connections to others. Start becoming aware of how you connect - or don’t connect - with others. Imagine a connection meter from intimately connected to boring and distant. Think of adjectives that come to mind in various exchanges with people - vital, sparkling, stimulating, dull, predictable, routine.” Kasl suggests we all have energy meters that transmit vibrations of energy that have both frequency and tone. The sense of attraction to another person has a great deal to do with our perception of their energy vibrations - whether they match ours or we perceive that they can fill in some of our missing gaps. The sense of having met a kindred spirit comes when our energy vibrations connect us both in tone and vitality, tuned to the same wavelength.
Contemplate intimacy. “We can only connect with people when we see them as distinct from us. Part of being intimate is asking in a hundred ways, who am I? Likewise, we need to open ourselves to the other and ask, who are you? Then we need to dance with differences, to allow the discomfort and fascination simply to exist.”
When I began writing this blog post, I thought I would write about the attributes common to women with whom I feel a connection. I found that difficult to pin down. I reflected on Kasl’s words that we can only connect with people when we see them as distinct from us. I realized we share as many differences as we do similarities. You are not me, and I am not you.
However, we are women paddling the same river. Women like you lead me to calm waters and support me when the waves get rough. And for that, I am grateful.