When Despair For The World Grows In Me

My doctor makes a point of asking how I am every time I see her. I don’t mean that she asks about my aches and pains and why I made an appointment. No, she wants to know how I am doing emotionally. Am I coping? Am I depressed? Am I taking care of myself?

Cheryl Strayed shared in a recent blog post that last spring she noticed she’d suddenly lost about a third of her hair. When she finally got to see a doctor a few weeks ago, she was told that menopausal women with full-time jobs and kids who’d been in online school had been showing up at her clinic in significant numbers with the same complaint for months. Strayed shared, “we are now a category: middle-aged menopausal moms with their hair falling out. What we have in common is that we are exhausted. We are stressed. We are in utter fucking despair.”

People have been leaving the workforce in droves as the pandemic stretched into its second year, leading to a phenomenon being referred to as "the great resignation." According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, four million Americans quit their jobs in July 2021.

Those numbers aren't tracked in Canada, but researchers say smaller studies suggest the trend of job quitting and job switching is happening in Canada, too. One study found that nearly 100,000 working-age Canadian women have completely left the workforce since the pandemic started.  

In a CBC interview, Vass Bednar, executive director of McMaster University's Master of Public Policy Program, says, "Women have disappeared from the labour market during the pandemic. It should cause alarm and we should better understand who they are, what sectors, do they plan on coming back, and what would have to be true for them to come back." While the pandemic has allowed some workers to re-train and leave jobs that left them unfulfilled, it has also created an untenable situation for working mothers. Bednar continues, "It's either a pandemic epiphany where there's an awakening of sorts, or new motivation — and then on the other hand, exits that are kind of forced exits, people feeling like they don't want to or can't keep up their professional obligations." 

How are you feeling? Are you exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed? Even if we have personally survived the last year relatively unscathed, we are also impacted by worry and fear about the well-being of each other, our communities, and our world. I expect there is not a single person who has not been affected somehow. 

Last Sunday, before the news broke about the catastrophic flooding across British Columbia, I thought back to all that has happened in my life this past year. If I had known ahead of time what the year held in store for me, I would have found it hard to believe that I have been able to cope. The events of this past year have included an unplanned retirement, living on a reduced income, a painful falling out with a family member, and health issues. I have also been a caregiver for my mother, supporting her through not one but two hip operations. And in August, I sat by her bedside struggling to comfort her until her unexpected death. I have also been watching my old dog’s health decline, making my heart ache. Then, add in the ongoing pandemic, lockdowns, forest fires, and now the devastating mudslides and flooding. 

The events of this past year were not all bad. My oldest daughter and her partner announced their pregnancy, and I am eagerly awaiting the birth of my granddaughter any day now. My youngest daughter and her partner purchased their first home together. My husband and I have spent a lot of time together these past 18 months, and our relationship continues to grow stronger. I have been able to hug friends again and get together in person for conversations and walks. 

But then this week, rain, wind, mudslides, and flooding hit British Columbia. People evacuated or stranded, all highways into the Vancouver area washed out or closed, thousands of animals drowned, and the number of human fatalities not yet known. This week I am numb. I think our brains can only take in so much suffering and heartache and I am maxed out. 

And yet, numb as I may feel, I was delighted when a flock of bushtits flew into a tree in my backyard on Wednesday. I smiled when I heard rapping on metal and knew, before I looked up, that a flicker was pecking at a metal chimney cap. I shed happy tears as I watched a video of a surprise wedding proposal at an Adele concert. And I feel a deep sense of contentment when my husband arrives safely home from work every night, and we curl up by the fire to re-cap the day.

I try and practice self-care but it is a struggle these days. I indulge in too much comfort food. I know this because I can feel the weight gain when I put on my jeans. I spend too many hours playing Addiction Solitaire on the computer. I binge-watch television - this week I watched 5 episodes of Nine Perfect Strangers in one afternoon. But there are small self-care habits I have incorporated into my days. 

I listen to classical music on CBC; watch the daily Nature 365 video; and lose myself in beautiful books. This week I finished the sad and poignant, Fresh Waters for Flowers by Valérie Perrin, a book you may want to consider adding to your reading list. I go for walks with my old dog, sometimes walking with a friend, always stopping to talk to strangers. And I read my favourite poetry. I particularly enjoy listening to poems read by the poets who wrote the words. One of my favourite poems, read by Wendell Berry in a voice that calms my heart, is The Peace of Wild Things (click to listen to Wendell Berry reading the poem).

 When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Have you thought about writing some memoir pieces about your pandemic experiences? If so, you may want to check out my free e-course, Pandemic Ponderings: A Self-Guided Life Story Writing Course in the Resources section of my website.