Togetherness and Individuality in Retirement
“Blessed is the couple who dances with the tension between me and we, for they will know companioning without loss of self.”
The sunlight reflecting off the tile floor caught our eyes, making us pop our heads into Figaro’s, an old-school barber shop in the heart of Lisbon. A customer lay tilted back in a chair, hot towels covering his face. I asked my husband if he wanted a shave and hot towel treatment, knowing that this experience in an iconic Lisbon barber shop would leave a lingering memory of his trip. I would love that, he responded, but what will you do? What will I do? What will I do with 90 minutes of blessed alone time in this marvellous city? Oh, no worries, I casually responded, I'll meet you back at the hotel. Climbing up Rua de Alecrim towards the Principe Real neighbourhood where we were staying, I wandered into a local coffee before settling on a bench in Jardim de São Pedro de Alcântara to listen to a remarkably talented street musician.
We had been travelling for five weeks together. This was the first quality alone time I had enjoyed on our 10-week pre-retirement travel adventure. We had been together for almost every moment of our trip - long walks, sipping pingados in local coffee shops, and long hours playing crib or reading on the balconies and terraces of hotels and apartments we stayed in. Did I mind all this time together? No, not at all. We were discovering new cultures, savouring local dishes, and enjoying the freedom of no work stress. And then we came home.
Let me preface this by sharing that I adore my husband and love spending time with him. I am also someone who craves solitude and silence. I tend to read, write, and research curled up in a personal space I have created in our upstairs guest bedroom. It's not that I don’t enjoy spending time with my husband, it’s just that I also need quiet time. My husband understands that and is respectful of my needs. However, he enjoys being with people, loves watching sports on TV, and needs music as a background as he cooks, does housework, or works on projects.
Living together in our island home full-time will be a new experience for both of us. I have been used to endless days and weeks alone here while he worked on the mainland. Meanwhile, my husband played rugby, got together with his buddies for a beer, worked long hours, and watched sports. We both lived busy lives, enjoyed separate pursuits, and cherished our time together.
And now here we are, carving out a new life on an island where we have no friends close by, in a community with lots of opportunities but none that we have explored as yet. We are paused once again on a threshold, reminding me of John O’Donohue’s words - "a threshold is not a simple boundary. It is a frontier that divides two different territories, rhythms and atmospheres."
We know this home is smaller than our last and not very soundproof, but we are determined to make it work. I realize this will take time. I am writing this while listening to an aria by Frederica von Stade from Berlioz’s La Damnation de Faust to drown out the sound of the vacuum cleaner downstairs. Then there is the guilt I feel sitting here writing, which feels like an indulgence, while my husband vacuums and washes floors. At some point this afternoon, I expect he will poke his head in to ask if I am almost done, inviting me to join him for a drink and a game of cribbage by the Christmas tree. And I will be torn, wanting to join him but also wanting to stay curled up here, quietly writing and preparing next month's workshops. It’s a balance, isn’t it, aging together side by side, while dancing on that fine line between me and us?
A few years ago, I purchased A Couple’s Guide to Happy Retirement and Aging: Fifteen Keys to Long-Lasting Vitality and Connection, thinking the book would provide fodder for blog posts. Remembering that the author, Sara Yogev, a psychologist and retirement coach, had identified readjusting the togetherness-separation balance as one of the fifteen keys, I re-read some of the content yesterday.
Yogev writes that with few obligations now having claims on our time, energy and attention, the importance of our marriage may increase. Changes in our roles and identities after retirement can also stress our relationships.
Due to the increased time spouses spend together, she continues, and the increased focus on the relationship, the qualities of marital interaction relate to retirement satisfaction.
Yogev offers research, suggestions, and a questionnaire on relationship imbalance to help determine whether action is needed to build a healthier post-retirement relationship. But the piece that stood out for me was her section on differentiation. Successful differentiation speaks to the ability to maintain emotional contact with each other while retaining a sense of individuality. I read the list of qualities of successfully differentiated people and realized that my husband and I share these qualities. A beacon of hope as we stand on this threshold.
Successfully differentiated people -
Take their partners' wishes and priorities into account and accommodate them without feeling that they have sold themselves out.
See the merit in their spouses’ point of view, even if it contradicts or interferes with their own.
Go forward with their own self-development while being concerned about their partner's happiness and well-being.
Understand that sometimes being out of sync with their spouses is normal, and they recognize that they will be able to resolve the disagreement without losing their individuality.
Hold on to each other and try to make one another feel good. At the same time, they recognize that their partner is a separate individual with competing needs and agendas.
Don’t need their partner’s constant approval to make them feel good. They achieve what psychologists refer to as 'self-validated intimacy'.
We know this next stage of our relationship will require work. We also know that mutual respect, commitment, and our willingness to dance with the tension between me and we will lead us to a healthy balance between togetherness and individuality.
That said, I am always open to advice and suggestions! What has been your experience of the togetherness-separation balance in retirement? What has been challenging? What has been helpful? What unexpected gifts have you found in your partner post-retirement?
Some final words. My husband came upstairs and asked me how my blog post was progressing. He never reads my blog posts, saying my writing is personal and meant for a female audience. But whenever I mention him, I want to ensure he is comfortable with my portrayal of our relationship. I read him this week's post, and he smiled. No comments, no criticism. Then he asked if he could bring me a glass of wine.