The Music of Mentoring
“As elders, we know - or should know - that we have gifts to offer the young. In many cases, we’ve been there and have done what they’re doing. We’ve fallen down and gotten back up, learned from our failures, lived to tell the tale, and gone on to get a few things right.”
I was sixty years old, looking for consulting opportunities when I came across a posting that gave me butterflies! An ongoing contract, twenty hours a week, great pay, flexibility to work at home or in a city office, and supporting work close to my heart. I had an instant connection with the interviewer in my first interview. The organization met my criteria for working with a client. I was invited for a second interview with a panel of board members. Only two of us had been contacted for a second interview. Again, it felt like it was going well. Then I was asked about my experience with mentoring; one of their priorities was strengthening their mentoring program.
I have always believed that mentoring is a two-way street. In every mentoring relationship I have had, I have received as much as I gave, if not more. I don’t think mentoring is just about guiding the young. But here I was being interviewed for an organization where older practitioners were highly regarded for their wisdom and experience. I told them about my experience and asked if they had ever considered a cross-generational mentoring approach, allowing for mutual learning and growth. While one interviewer looked intrigued, the other two looked at me with astonishment. I was not surprised that I did not get the contract; the other candidate was much more qualified. And I do think my mentoring response might have contributed to their decision.
In my younger days, I had mentors who guided my journey with questions, gentle probing, and sharing of experiences and insights. As I got older, I shifted from being mentored to being a mentor. I helped establish an institute for professionals engaged in the work I was doing, a place for learning and support. I volunteered in the institute’s mentoring program. I also mentored women who approached me directly.
In his essay, The Music of Mentoring, Parker J. Palmer writes, “As elders, we know - or should know - that we have gifts to offer the young. In many cases, we’ve been there and have done what they’re doing. We’ve fallen down and gotten back up, learned from our failures, lived to tell the tale, and gone on to get a few things right.”
I hope I have offered all of this to those I have mentored. I also hope that through our conversations I have helped these women see their inner wisdom. I know all the women I have mentored have touched my heart and enriched my life.
These days I am not mentoring any younger women. But there are younger women I turn to for more than just an opportunity to learn the latest technology! These women work different and think different than our older generation.
In my blog post, A Happiness Plan for Older Women, I introduced you to fluid and crystallized intelligence. Crystallized intelligence which increases in our forties and fifties and stays high in our seventies and eighties suggests that as we age we get better at teaching, collaborating and, not surprisingly, mentoring. Fluid intelligence peaks in our 30s and diminishes in our early 40s. This intelligence, and I see it in many of the young women I know, focuses on quick thinking and ingenuity, the ability to reason, analyze, and solve novel problems.
Younger women also look at life through a different lens. Generation X (40 - 55 years old) values individuality and seeks work/life balance. They value relationships. Generation Y (26 - 40 years old) sees growth and development as a priority. They are eager to help others and learn for themselves. These younger generations have taught me so much. I echo Parker J. Palmer’s words, written to his friend Courtney Martin, ‘you’ve invited me into your world…which has made my world larger, a true gift. You and your thirty-something friends have opened my eyes to realities and possibilities that someone like me - a white, straight (woman) who’s more than twice your age - might otherwise have missed. I’m forever grateful.”
Last week, a recent follower of Ageless Possibilities commented, “we need more mentoring out there as we age”! Her comment gave me pause; I had not thought about my blog in terms of mentoring. Yet, when I think of how I value cross-mentoring, I realize - or hope anyway - that I have created a community of mutual support and learning. To quote Parker J. Palmer one last time, “…everyone has inner wisdom, and one of the best ways to evoke it is in dialogue. When we knock down the walls that keep us apart and meet in that in-between space, we all have a chance to wise up.”
All Parker J. Palmer quotes are from the book, On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity and Getting Old, a book I highly recommend for anyone interested in further reflection on this journey north.