The Murky Waters of Validation
“When the gift I give to the other is integral to my own nature, when it comes from a place of organic reality within me, it will renew itself - and me - even as I give it away.”
A story from fifty years ago. I come home proudly waving my grade 8 science exam. I always struggled with science, and for us non-science types, the year was divided Into three subjects - biology, physics, and chemistry. I can’t remember which science the exam focused on, but I got 95%! My father looked over the exam, and then asked me, how many of your classmates scored higher? I was the oldest daughter, with two younger brothers, held up to high standards. I expect you may know how I felt.
When we were young, we needed external validation. And hopefully, we got it. Praise gave us confidence and helped us learn appropriate behaviours. Lack of external validation during childhood can have detrimental effects on one's mental health, self-perception, identity, and relationships as an adult. And, it is often associated with stronger feelings of anger, shame, guilt, and worthlessness.
Along life’s journey, we turn to self-validation, this actually starts at a young age. But I think my ability to practice self-validation may have been stunted. No wonder I spent years looking for validation - from my parents, boyfriends, colleagues, bosses, and even women I barely knew!
Fast forward to earlier this week. A message in response to a blog post, “I am grateful for every Sunday blog that helps me get out there”. Guess what I felt? Validation? Nope, I felt affirmation!
And I wondered to myself, when did my need for validation transition into a desire for affirmation? It was an aha moment; I felt like I had discovered something new. A quick Google search showed this is not a new discussion. And, encouragement, support, and compliments were all woven into the Google results. No wonder I felt like I was rowing through murky waters!
Validation involves expressing understanding, legitimacy, and acceptance of another’s experience. A person does not necessarily agree with you. Instead, they are acknowledging you and accepting your feelings or beliefs. Affirmation is the act of proclaiming or asserting something to be true. I interpret this to mean validation equals approval, and affirmation means acknowledgement.
Recollecting my experience with my father fifty years ago, I know I needed him to be proud of me. I wanted to be recognized for my accomplishments, not compared to others. Maybe I could have done better. Be quiet, inner child! Or maybe he thought I could have done better. Or maybe he just wasn’t very good at expressing love. All I know is that I needed to hear that I was good enough.
Fast forward fifty years, and I know I am good enough. In fact, I’m quite proud of myself! I am confident in my abilities; I don’t need anyone to validate that. But I do want the people who matter to me to occasionally recognize and believe in my abilities.
All my life, I have wanted to make a difference. When I was young, I unrealistically thought I could change the world. My parents told me I was a dreamer. I then worked in social services and community development, hoping to positively impact the lives of women and young children. I can remember times in my career when I needed validation, yet other times affirmation mattered more. These days, I know that what I am giving is, as Parker J. Palmer writes, integral to my own nature. I don’t need validation for that. I can feel it deep within my soul. Affirmation from people who matter to me only strengthens that belief.
I expect some of you may see a slightly different nuance between validation and affirmation. I find this whole topic a bit vague, and that there are layers I haven’t even touched! I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts.