Sharing the Covers
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
The other morning I asked my husband, did you not sleep well last night? He had been so restless. He informed me that I had spent most of the night ‘manipulating’ the blankets, pulling them off him, twisting them around me, and leaving him naked to the cold air blowing in from our window. And, he added, my snoring had been off the charts! Why didn’t you wake me? No, he said, you were clearly having a good sleep.
I told him, once again, that he should wake me up when I am snoring, and I can go and sleep in the spare room. But no, he said if it got bad, he would sleep in the spare room.
Three years ago, I wrote A Bed of One’s Own. Yes, this is not something new that has come along in our relationship. That blog post was more a selfish rant about wanting my own bed. But even then, I snored loud enough to rattle the shingles. My husband would lay awake beside me, not wanting to disturb my deep sleep, spending a restless night while I happily slumbered. Interestingly, research indicates that usually, women’s sleep suffers more than men’s, as “women are more sensitive to their sleep environment”.
A few weeks ago, my snoring was so loud that he did sleep in the spare room. I woke up refreshed and content when my darling husband brought me coffee. I asked him how he had slept. Okay, he replied, but not great. But why, you didn’t have to put up with my snoring! No, he said, but I miss you when you’re not there. I don’t sleep well without you.
It has reached a point though where I snore almost every night, resulting in sleepless nights for both of us. My snoring keeps him awake. And I lie awake concerned I will snore when I fall asleep. I suggested, gently, that maybe we should sleep in separate bedrooms. My husband looked shocked. Do you want to sleep apart, he asked?
It is not that I want to sleep apart, as much as I may enjoy having the bed to myself occasionally. But we are now talking about sleep quality, something seriously lacking on too many nights. I said we could start the night together, and I would move to the spare room when it was time to sleep. I would then join him for coffee and our morning conversation. But no, he does not want us to sleep apart.
I know, I know - I’m lucky. Some of you are envious I'm sure. Don’t get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have a husband who wants me beside him every night!
Most of my married friends sleep together, but not all. Research suggests as many as 40% of couples sleep in different beds at some point, and a growing number of couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds. There’s actually a term for this - sleep divorce. No wonder couples feel shame about sleeping apart!
Ageing leads to more distance in bed, according to a survey by the Better Sleep Council, with 16% of those 55 and older more likely to sleep in separate bedrooms. That’s more than double the 35-to-54 demographic (7%) and significantly higher than those in the 18-to-34 group (3%).
Separate beds can be good for your health. The Better Sleep Council’s survey found that, on average, one in three couples said their bed partner negatively impacts their sleep. Sleep deprivation is connected to health issues such as diabetes, obesity, heart disease and depression, as well as irritability, poorer job satisfaction, and relationship matters.
On the other hand, Dr Frida Rångtell, a sleep educator and science advisor at Sleep Cycle, says couples sleep better together than apart. “Several studies on heterosexual couples indicate that…bed-sharing with a partner can increase the amount spent in the REM sleep stage during the night, with less interruption of REM cycles,” says Rångtell.
Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioural and social scientist and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep, has found that sleep separations make many couples appreciate their partner more. However, the downside of sleeping apart, she says, is a possible loss of intimacy or closeness, which could lead to feelings of disconnectedness. When speaking with couples, she emphasizes that it is less about the sleeping arrangement and more about how you arrive at the decision.
My husband and I have invested in a king-size bed which has made a world of difference for us. We also have a spare bedroom for those nights when one of us needs sleep more than the comfort of the other’s presence. We continue to sleep together, and honestly, I hope we always will.
“He sleeps up next to me like he always does. Says it soothes his soul. But it’s my restlessness that gets calmed with his big old body next to mine.”
— Call Your Daughter Home by Deb Spera