Regrets, I've Had A Few...
“…Always there’s that fork in the road. We want to travel both, but we are forced to choose. So commitment to one necessarily means traveling with regret and “what ifs. In such woods, our backpacks need to be filled with more than just endurance, focus, and grit. Self-forgiveness, acceptance, and the ability to let go or admit “I was wrong” need to be tucked in there too.”
Soul Matters Sharing Circles, Unitarian Universalist Church
I am entering the 8th stage of Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development, the stage where we reflect back on life. Erikson called this stage, integrity versus despair. This is the time we reflect back and determine if we are happy with the life we have lived or if we regret the things we did or did not do.
As older women, the hope is that we can look back on life and feel a sense of fulfillment. But, if we are unable to reconcile our regrets, we may be left with feelings of bitterness and despair.
Regret is a common feeling at the end of life, according to hospice nurse and end-of-life doula, Gabby Elize Jimenez. She writes, “It is one of the things I see most... people wishing they did more, said more, worked less, let go of stuff, and lived their life more fully.” The regrets she hears most often are:
“I wish I had stayed in better touch with friends and family.”
“I wish I traveled more.”
“I wish I had tried harder to be happier.”
“I wish I hadn’t stayed in that relationship.”
“I wish I had a better relationship with my kids.”
“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
Hopefully, we arrive at this stage of life feeling satisfied with a life well-lived; but most of us will have some regrets. Life does not always turn out the way we had planned. We regret mistakes made along the way. If we let them, these regrets can haunt us for a lifetime.
What comes to mind when you think of regrets, remorse, or guilt you are still carrying? What are you doing to ensure that you don’t become a woman who has regrets?
I have had a few regrets in life but then again, similar to the lyrics of the song, too few to mention. My biggest regret is that I have not always been kind. I continue to work on forgiving myself, and I strive to bring compassion and kindness into my actions and relationships at this stage of my life. What do I regret not doing? Three things come to mind, all painted in shades of the same colour. I wish I had not worried so much. I wish I had taken more risks. And, I wish I had allowed myself to be happier. While these may be regrets from the past, the good news is, I can turn them around and make all three opportunities for the future!
An important quality to develop, particularly in our older years, is a sense of compassion for ourselves. In Anam Cara, John O’Donohue writes, “When you visit the wounds within the temple of memory, you should not blame yourself for making bad mistakes that you greatly regret. Sometimes you have grown unexpectedly through these mistakes. Frequently, in a journey of the soul, the most precious moments are the mistakes. They have brought you to a place that you would otherwise have always avoided. You should bring a compassionate mindfulness to your mistakes and wounds. Endeavour to inhabit the rhythm you were in at that time. If you visit this configuration of your soul with forgiveness in your heart, it will fall into place itself. When you forgive yourself, the inner wounds begin to heal. You come in out of the exile of hurt into the joy of inner belonging.”
Gabby Jimenez, whose wisdom can also be found at her Facebook page, The Hospice Heart, speaks of the importance of easing the weight of our regrets. Her advice is to find a way to let go of the things we cannot control and the things we cannot do over. “The weight of regret gets in the way of enjoying life as fully as you deserve. And if you have a list of things that you want to do, or hope to do, or wish to do someday, DO NOT WAIT FOR SOMEDAY! Don't add those to your list of regrets. Find a way to start doing those things now, to change things now, to embrace life NOW.”