Trusting In What We Know
“She was surprised at how the simplest of facts are overlooked by the people that need them the most and yet obvious to someone outside the situation.”
These last two weeks have been a whirlwind of decision-making. My mother has been on the waiting list at a seniors’ independent living residence, located 5 minutes from my home, for over 14 months. At the end of May, I called to find out the status of her application; another 3 to 6 months I was told. I phoned my mother to tell her the news, knowing that after almost three months of self-isolation, this news would give her something to look forward to. The phone rings just as I hang up. It seems there is an opening, would my mother be able to move in on July 1st, I am asked? Yes, of course! My mother is stunned, thrilled, and nervous. We are determined to make it work.
Four weeks to move from the island to a seniors’ residence on the mainland, during COVID 19, is no easy feat. Doctor’s notes, video interviews, budgeting, purging, packing, and selling the condo where my mother is currently residing all need to be fast-tracked and completed within a tight time frame. Over these last couple of weeks, I have made more on-the-spot decisions than I can count! There has been no time for thinking things through. But the decisions I’ve made feel solid. I am confident that, in consultation with my mother, we are making the right choices.
I woke up this morning to cloudy skies on the island and I am gifting myself a bit of a breather. The air is cool and I have curled up back in bed with my coffee and computer to write my blog post for tomorrow. I have been reflecting on the process of decision-making. How quickly I have made all these decisions about my mother’s pending move. And yet, when I have to make decisions about my personal life, too often I take forever to mull over my choices or next steps. I expect I am not the only one who gets bogged down in making personal decisions. I have had recent conversations with two friends who are feeling the same, and both have shared that during this time of uncertainty, the process is even more difficult.
Sometimes I will seek the counsel of trusted friends and family members. For far too many years, I felt I was seeking their approval. Was I making the right choice? Was I heading down the right path? Was I competent enough, strong enough, smart enough? As a child, I craved that pat on the back or reassurance that I was doing a great job, and I am aware that this need for approval continues to live in that hole in my soul where childhood traumas go.
However, more recently I have recognized that when I turn to friends or family I have pretty much already made my decision - I may just have some lingering doubts. I am actually not looking for approval but rather polling trusted, loved ones to ensure I am on the right path.
Brené Brown says that when she’s facing a difficult situation she also starts polling people. She wrote in one article, “I’m currently trying to make some changes in my career — and travel a lot less — so I can spend more time with my family and explore new creative endeavours. I have no idea how this will work — and I hate that! Which means I’m now compulsively polling my friends: What do you think? Is this crazy? But there’s a fine line between asking for suggestions and desperately grasping for answers nobody else can offer”. When we start polling people, it’s often because we don’t trust our own knowing. It feels too shaky and too uncertain. For Brown, this is an indication that she needs less input and more stillness and silence so she can hear herself.
I understand the need for stillness and I believe we hold our own answers. But I also know that people who are close to us can see strengths and flaws in us that we are blind to. This knowledge can help inform decisions we are considering.
I recently went through a process with the women in my Next Steps Circle that added valuable insight to some big plans I have been envisioning for myself. In the fall of 2019, I began meeting virtually with a small group of women, all transitioning into a new life phase. One activity we were tasked with was to ask a few close friends what they felt was unique about us. I approached five people I loved and respected, and they responded with kindness and tenderness, telling me:
I am authentic, gentle, approachable, insightful, and wise
I make it safe to be vulnerable
I don’t let others define who I am
I am not a joiner, but I am clearly part of something bigger
I immerse myself completely when I am passionate and committed
I set high standards for myself and others
I am not good at failure
I have a deep sense of purpose
I can see things from multiple perspectives and am able to put the pieces together
I hold deep values around family, motherhood and feminine strengths
Wow! I’m not sure about you, but I always find it easier to name my negative qualities and so hearing this about myself filled with me with so much humility. Some comments confirmed what I knew about myself, and other comments built on values that matter to me, values that I hope I exemplify. How has this been helpful? I have recently made a decision about what I want to do as I transition into this next phase of my life. This feedback from friends has helped me realize I possess the traits needed to embark on the dreams I want to pursue.