Permanent Goodbyes
“It’s weird to consider how many permanent goodbyes might be said today, as the drawbridge of our old life creaks upwards.”
My husband is heading to the mainland this morning for a celebration of life for a rugby buddy. He is looking forward to connecting with teammates he has not seen for many years. He is also keenly aware that it may be the last time he sees some of these guys. My husband has had a 45-year rugby career. He spent the last twenty years playing old boys rugby. Some of his teammates are now in their 80s. Others live miles away. We have also moved away.
This has had me thinking about family and friends I will never see again, although, when I last saw them, I did not know I was saying a permanent goodbye.
Family near and far
Little did I know that when I took my mother to visit my brother in 2017, it would be the last time I would see him. Four years later, what I thought was a misunderstanding proved too much for my brother, and he made it clear he never wanted anything to do with his siblings again.
A few weeks ago, I received a message from my cousin in the Netherlands that my uncle had entered an assisted living facility because of dementia. I last saw him in 2015. I expect I will not see him again. If I do, it is doubtful he will know who I am.
Friends who live far away
I moved across Canada from the suburbs of Montreal to Jasper, Alberta many years ago. A few years later, after getting married, I moved to the suburbs of Vancouver. And last year, we moved to Vancouver Island. I have left good friends behind with each move. I have seen most of them since, but only sporadically. We stay in touch with the odd letter and Facebook message and, when we do get together, it is as if we just saw each other last week. Will I see them again? I hope so.
Former colleagues and neighbours
Goodbyes are tough for me, particularly when transitioning to something new. I begin to distance myself from colleagues and neighbours well before my departure. It is these relationships that I let lapse. These goodbyes I find the most difficult, and I harden my heart, often stepping away without saying goodbye.
I sometimes wonder if emigrating to Canada with my family at the age of six laid the groundwork for the grief I feel when saying goodbye. Studies have shown that family members who could not say goodbye are at a higher risk for complicated grief, characterized by persistent longing and difficulty moving forward. Other studies report that unresolved farewells can complicate grief. I remember little of our move to Canada except for a sense of excitement. Did I realize I was leaving behind weekly dinners with my grandparents and visits with my cousins? Did I have an inkling that I would never see my childhood friend, Patricia, again? For years, every time I returned to the Netherlands, I would sob when I first glimpsed the shoreline, tulip fields, farms, and scattered villages. I suspect I was grieving much more than just family and friends.
Knowing you are seeing someone for the last time
I am blessed that, other than my parents, there are very few people I have had to say goodbye to as they were dying. There is comfort in being able to say goodbye and in being able to bring closure to a relationship. The grief is still present, but it rests more comfortably in my heart.
I have heard that you are truly blessed if you find it hard to say goodbye. I think you are truly blessed when given the opportunity to say goodbye.