Nine Myths About Grief
“No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.”
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
A tight community of family and friends was there to support me after my mother died. They listened and held space for me in my grief. I also received well-meaning comments from my broader circle, but sometimes these words fell flat on my sorrow. How do you know my grief mirrors your grief, I wondered? How do you know my grief will dissipate? How do you know how I feel when you know nothing about the relationship my mother and I had?
I expect we all have beliefs about grief that we think are factual. I certainly did, but two years ago, I learned that some of my beliefs were wrong. I took a course at Simon Fraser University on Resilience and Aging, taught by a semi-retired therapist, Monica Franz. One of the modules focused on grief. Franz shared with us myths about grief, some of which took me by surprise. I thought I would share them with you, as I expect you are also encountering grief more frequently as we row north.
Myth 1: Grief is a problem to be solved or resolved
Grief may be painful and sad, but it is also a healthy adaptive factor that allows us to eventually reconcile to the loss.
Myth 2: Grief is always done in stages
The Kubler-Ross model of five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) has been largely debunked. Research shows this model is problematic because most people do not experience predictable phases of emotional states that result in resolution.
Grief is often experienced as a cascade of feelings - from deep pain, anguish, anger, fear, hurt, disbelief, shock, and even relief. We each have our own ways and means of grieving.
Myth 3: Grief always has a timeline and a time limit
Grief has no timeline or time limit. Waves of grief may resurge throughout our lives from time to time. This is normal and psychologically necessary. We are constantly adapting to the reality of loss in the context of who we are becoming, and our life stage. The grief experienced long after the loss, does not indicate unresolved grief but rather the depth of the attachment.
Myth 4: Older people grieve less or differently
Until recently, it was generally believed that since older people have experienced more losses, we grieve less. But human attachment is critical to everyone’s sense of identity, meaning, and belonging; we all suffer from loss, regardless of age.
Myth 5: When someone dies, we are only ever grieving that one loss
This myth asserts that we grieve one loss at a time, as though each was a separate and singular event. Research strongly indicates that whenever we experience loss, grief can re-activate past losses to the degree that it can feel as though we are grieving them again. This does not mean that we have not resolved our grief for past losses but merely that our psyche is integrating the current loss with those from our past.
Myth 6: Grief is always solely an emotional experience
Bereaved people often report generalized pain and disruptions to sleeping and eating, cognitive challenges such as poor memory and difficulty concentrating, deep disruptions to their spiritual experience, and, significant changes to their social engagement. Grief is a complex build-up of responses that leaves no part of us unaffected.
Myth 7: The reality of the loss is always immediately understood.
The belief that the reality of the loss is always immediately understood has also been debunked by research. Instead, most people experience grief as a series of waves. These waves are not only emotional, psychological, cognitive, and spiritual. They also offer a realization of what the loss may mean personally, for shared relationships, for where we are in our life stage development, and for our future. Sometimes the full impact of the loss is not fully understood until many years later.
Myth 8: The grief process always begins at the moment of loss or death.
This myth suggests that we begin grieving when we learn of the loss or death. However, delayed grief is not uncommon. It is often associated with needing to attend to other priorities of the moment, such as tending to a child, supporting other family members, or an urgent work situation.
Myth 9: The intensity of grief correlates to the intensity of love.
This myth is regrettable because it does not account for all the nuances and variations between people, the nature of their relationships, and the highly subjective nature of grief.
Some of you will know that my 12-year-old dog, Tucker, recently died. We knew our time with him was limited, but I grieved more for him than for my mother. I could make no sense of that and felt guilty. How could the intensity of my grief for my dog outweigh that for my mother? The last myth hit home for me as I realized my grief had nothing to do with the intensity of love.
Author Charles Finch recently posted about the death of his 17-year-old dog, Lucy. His words capture the deep grief I felt in losing Tucker. Finch wrote, “Not long ago, we lost our Lucy. She was nearly 17. She was the most wonderful dog - the most wonderful soul - I can imagine. She was intrepid, loving, eccentric, stubborn, beautiful, strong, little, and perfect…The grief I've felt has been so real and serious - sometimes it seems silly, and I sort of chide myself that she was only a dog, and I always knew her lifetime would be short. But I wish she could have lived forever. She taught me more about love than nearly any person living or gone - that love is unstinting, and without thought, it's just love. Ann Patchett once wrote that a pet's love is the closest we can get to understanding God. I read that at first and thought it was doubtful - then the idea grew on me - and now I know for certain there's truth in it.”