Loosening My Grip On My Daughters
“This is love that has loosened its grip. This is love that will always hold on, just more loosely. This is love that has an open palm outstretched, in case you need to grab onto it again.”
Time together with my girls is always special!
As a mother of young daughters, I was sometimes told that I coddled them. I pulled my daughter out of preschool when she had separation anxiety. I allowed them to cling to me when uncomfortable around extended family or strangers. I let them stay home from school for mental health days when life was too much. They had permission to change their minds, to not always stick it out. I invited them to sleep with us when nightmares woke them up. Writing this now, I know I was a good parent. But as a new mother, confident I was being the parent I thought I should be, I still felt the occasional twinge of guilt
A shift occurred in their teenage years. My daughter recently said she could not believe the freedom we gave them. But we were keenly aware of the struggle between dependence and independence during those formative years. We wanted our girls to be able to make choices, right or wrong, and they knew we were there if they needed us. Did they falter? Of course, they did. Were we there to pick them up? Yes, but only when necessary. Sometimes teenagers need to pick themselves up.
We did not push them towards university as high school wrapped up. My husband and I believed opportunities existed beyond a university education. We encouraged them to travel, work, and take time to explore the world. Again, our parenting met with some criticism - we were told we should be preparing them for higher education and a career. Instead, we gave them freedom. This was not without some trepidation, especially when my youngest daughter headed off alone to Asia at the age of seventeen! They worked different jobs and went on a work abroad year to Australia and New Zealand. They lived in poverty. They made choices I did not think were wise, but I tried hard to hold my tongue.
They got an apartment together in the city. They have always been best friends. They went to college, explored various majors, and began to hone in on their passions. Boys came and went, and then they both found the one. A move to separate apartments, dreams of what they wanted to do in life, and plans for the future. Were we there for them along the way? Of course, we were. A shoulder to cry on, some financial support when needed, and always only a phone call or visit away to listen, hold, and love them.
Was it all smooth sailing? Nope! I don’t want you to think we are this ideal family with the perfect children - and parents! We all made mistakes. We had arguments. And some situations seemed insurmountable. But we did not give up on each other; we managed those rough patches.
My parents treated me as a child my whole life, questioning my choices and giving me unwanted advice. I was determined not to do that with my girls. I needn’t have worried. This journey through life with them has progressed naturally. I am so proud of my girls. I am proud of how I parented them.
And so here we are. I have written previously about how I love spending time with my girls! They have grown into independent, empowered, and compassionate women who bring me incredible joy. But they are adults now. They can make their own decisions; they must make their own decisions and be responsible for them. Yes, it helps that they have partners, each other, as well as a strong network of friends. I realize that not all children have that; some need more support. But my girls are quite capable of living their own lives, and my role in their lives has shifted.
When they were little, I remember a conversation with my husband. I told him that now that we have children, they come first in my life, before him. I think he was surprised at that. He was clear that I came first in his life. Now that the girls are older, my husband comes first in my life again, and I, bless him, continue to be first in his life. This does not diminish our love for our children; our relationships just take a different shape now.
I read the following words in a Facebook post last week, shared by someone I follow, words written by Elizabeth Spencer at Guilty Chocoholic Mother. She wrote of love that has loosened its grip, and the words resonated. I sent my girls the quote. They responded, “love that mum! A carbon copy of how you’ve raised us.”
Do these words resonate with you? We may have children of different ages - if you have children, but I think loosening that grip starts at an early age, until one day, we find ourselves following behind.
Now, I follow you.
At first, I carried you. Then I walked beside you. Then I followed close behind. But now, I follow you from some distance. I’ve dropped back to where I belong at this particular mile marker of your journey.
Now, it’s time for you to take the lead and for me to trust I protected you well enough when I carried you and when we walked side-by-side for you to feel secure out in front.
But I’m still here, and that helps us both. I’m a few miles back, watching you do your thing. Watching you choose, navigate, figure out. You are capable, careful, and considerate. It is a privilege to see.
As an observer of your life, I am not displaced; I am in the right place. I’m a text or a phone call or a FaceTime chat or, sometimes, an overnight drive away. Letting you go gradually is what helps you do it well and me to do it at all.
This is love that has loosened its grip. This is love that will always hold on, just more loosely. This is love that has an open palm outstretched, in case you need to grab onto it again. This is love still at the ready.”