In the Company of Older Women
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’.”
Getting together my old roomie, Deb (left), after 35+ years.
Fascinating isn’t it, when we are young, an age difference of a few years can feel like a lifetime? Yet as we get older, those years meld into a continuum of shared values and experiences and our actual birth year doesn’t matter as much.
As a young girl, most of my friends were born in the same year – in fact, four of us, actually shared the same birth month! These days, at the age of 62, my youngest friend is 50, and my oldest friend is 77. I think about that sometimes when I reflect back on my adolescence. Imagine having a 25-year-old friend at the age of 10. Or, at the age of 18 having a friend who is only 6 years old.
I now have no hesitation in calling women across a wide age span my friends. This is partly because I have broadened my definition of friendship. These days, friends are confidants, mentors, mentees, and walking buddies. I safely spill my heart to some of my friends, and with other friends, I delve deep into spiritual discussions. I have gravitated back to childhood friends to find our bonds are as strong as they once were. And I have started a conversation with a stranger, felt an instant connection, and made plans to get together for coffee.
The common thread amongst these friendships is that I can be myself. After far too many years of hiding a part of who I am, these women really know me, and I believe I know them. Our relationships are mutually supportive. Our relationships are growth-oriented.
Some of my most delightful friendships have happened during this past pandemic year - I connected with women through social media and my life story writing workshops. I don’t think I would initially have thought of these women as friends until one day when I sent a message to a woman I follow on Instagram. She responded with the words, “thank you my friend, that means a lot to me.” That was such an a-ha moment for me. No, these women don’t know everything about me but we share many common interests and passions.
Similarly, I am drawn to older, female characters in the books I am reading. Often these days, I discover older women in books who I would like to get to know.
These women share characteristics that are eerily similar to my own – determined, independent, and occasionally obstinate. They live lives of purpose and passion. Some are slightly eccentric. Would each of these women become a good friend? Maybe not. But I see something of myself in these women. As C. S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
Here are some of the women I have enjoyed getting to know over the last couple of months.
In Miss Benson’s Beetle, we meet Margery Benson, a forty-something, naive adventurer who sets off with reckless abandon to search for the elusive New Caledonia golden beetle. Here is a woman who pursues her passion and finds her true self, in more ways than one! This is ‘a hilarious trek into the wilderness of women’s friendship and the triumph of outrageous dreams’. (Kirkus Review)
Bernadette Perkal is retiring after spending the last forty years as a nurse, living alone on the periphery of a fictional remote West Coast First Nations reserve, Kawakin. She has gained an intimate knowledge of the people through listening, learning, and respecting their culture. She struggles with the ties that bind her to the village as she prepares to leave. “This is not an easy read. Though there is beauty and laughter, there is also great pain in The Heaviness of Things That Float. The burdens of shame, guilt, secrets, and silence eventually rise to the surface. What floats is indeed what is heavy.” (Katherine Fawcett)
Kumiko, the main character in Shadow Life, has escaped from the assisted living facility where her well-meaning daughters have placed her. Stubborn and determined she sets herself up in a small apartment - but Death stalks her. This graphic novel blends modern-day issues and cultural myths to tell a story of aging, independence, and mortality.
Okay, I think I could only handle small doses of Olive Kitteridge but I love this character that Elizabeth Strout created! Ornery, outspoken, stubborn, and rude, she is not an easy person to like - but she has a heart underneath her hard exterior.
Women have this innate ability to support each other and two characters who do this in very different ways are Hazzley in The Company We Keep, and Dianne in The Speed of Mercy.
Hazzley, at loose ends after her husband’s death, puts up a notice on a local bulletin board inviting people to join a grief discussion group. While I enjoyed all the characters in this book, Hazzley displays that wisdom that I see in so many older women, someone who knows how to hold space for others.
The Speed of Mercy is not an easy read, steeped in family secrets and childhood betrayal. CBC reviewed the book as a feminist tour de force, ripping into the myths and stereotypes about older women and those on the edge of conventional society. This is difficult to read, yet there is poignant beauty to this story. The story centres on Stella, a middle-aged woman, unable to speak, who lives in a mental institution. There are strong female characters in this book but I felt the strongest attachment to Dianne, Stella’s older friend and protector.
And even among my dearly beloved murder mysteries, I find women who I would love to sit down with for a cup of coffee - or a shot of scotch! What I love about these women is that our relationship does not end as I finish a book, instead I get to watch them grow as they face adversity and opportunities across a whole series of books!
My all-time favourite character is Vera Stanhope, created by Ann Cleeves. Vera is obsessed with her job, has a caustic wit, and little tolerance for people who don’t measure up to her standards. Close to retirement age, she enjoys a drink, is not overly concerned about her health, and I think she digs through the dirty laundry pile when choosing her daily outfit. I am drawn to Vera, her hard exterior hides heartbreak and empathy and she is passionate about righting wrongs. If you have not yet met her then you are in luck because there are ten books in the series. You can also find Vera on PBS; Brenda Blethyn does a superb job bringing this character to life.
I introduced you to Superintendent Teresa Battaglia last November in my blog post, Lullabies for the Dying. Battaglia is an expert criminal profiler with four decades of experience on the Italian police force. Her ability to remember is slowly slipping away, as are her coping mechanisms. She tries to hide her condition by writing copious notes, hoping her team doesn’t catch on. But they know, and they have her back. I enjoy Battaglia as a character and resonate with her determination to put on a convincing front as her health deteriorates. Ilaria Tuti’s first two books are dark, and they are compelling - I look forward to the next book!
As I said, these are women I have encountered in books I have read over the last couple of months. There are so many more! I am now eagerly awaiting the latest Louise Penny book, The Madness of Crowds, which will be released in August. Her main character may be a man but there isn’t a single female character living in Three Pines who I am not drawn to. How I wish Three Pines were real and I could head to the Eastern Townships for a visit!
Have you encountered older women in the books you have been reading who you think we might like to meet? Do share the titles in the comments below. I know I’ll be spending many lazy days reading over the next few months and I’d love meeting some of your favourites characters.
Interested in finding out more about the books I mentioned? Click on the book cover to read the description in Good Reads.
