Guilty Pleasures
“Short is the joy that guilty pleasures bring.”
Thursday was another gloomy day. I was curled up on the couch under a soft, handwoven blanket my daughter gifted me, listening to the ticking of our old Warmink clock while reading emails. I opened an email from Kobo. The latest Lisa Regan book, Face Her Fear, 19th in the Detective Josie Quinn series, had been downloaded to my iPad. I decided to spend the afternoon reading.
The book was an exciting read. I love a series where, over time, I get to intimately know a main character. Once, I would have considered an afternoon spent reading a murder mystery a guilty pleasure.
The term guilty pleasure first appeared in The New York Times in 1860 to describe a brothel. Then, according to an article by Jennifer Szalai in The New Yorker, the term disappeared, only reappearing the 1990s, when it became associated with activities judged by social norms.
I can vividly recall guilty pleasures from childhood, mainly food and wasting time. I remember the buttery taste of the last piece of boterkoek I snuck from the cookie tin. I can still taste the box of chocolate I devoured hidden in my room. And then there was the delight as my friend's mother ladled gravy on my meatloaf and mashed potatoes. The pleasure? Food - liberal servings and special treats. The guilt? In our home, food was for fuel, not pleasure, and I was often reminded that I had no willpower.
I also loved watching television and reading. TV was rationed in our home, so I enjoyed the hours spent watching soap operas and game shows, when my parents were out. My parents were more tolerant of books but were not impressed with the Harlequin romances I devoured!
There are also the guilty pleasures I associated with early motherhood. This time, parental standards no longer set the benchmark; they had been replaced societal norms. I loved - and needed - time away from my girls. While friends proudly proclaimed that they had never hired a babysitter or spent a night away from their children, I encouraged my husband to head off with the girls so I could take long baths and read in peace. I welcomed invitations from my parents to take the girls for a weekend so my husband and I could head off alone. And when I returned to work, I would always head home before picking the girls up from daycare. I would get changed and start dinner, but more than that, I would enjoy an hour of quiet.
Fast forward thirty years to yesterday morning when I sat down to write a list of the guilty pleasures of an older woman. Guess what? I struggled to find anything to write! All I could think of was the growing pile of books still to be read and the money I had spent to buy them! When I first retired, I remember a sense of guilty pleasure, lying in bed all morning with my coffee, book, and computer. But no longer! Now, I do what I want when I want, and what a luxury!
Do I still spend long hours reading, putting off housework and other responsibilities? Yes, books are one of my passions. I will continue to read as much as I can. Do I still gift myself with solitude and solo activities? Yes, I now know this keeps me sane. I also understand that attending to my needs first allows me to be there for others. Do I still overindulge and treat myself to unhealthy food? Yes, and I do feel some guilt knowing it is unhealthy - but the pleasure and the guilt are separate emotions, no longer intertwined.
Is it just me, I wondered, or do other older women feel the same? An article by Randi Mazzella, Top Guilty Pleasures of Women Over Fifty, lists reality TV shows, crime podcasts, getting pampered, taking a nap, buying yourself flowers, and eating chocolate as top guilty pleasures. Do these women think they are undeserving of small indulgences, I wondered? Are they still concerned by the opinions of others?
Another article asked twenty-five famous women about their guilty pleasures and indulgences. These all strike me more as falling under the indulgence category.
“Bathing is my hobby,” shares Oprah. “I have a hand-carved tub out of marble and onyx …carved to the shape of my body. Bathing is my hobby … I’m serious about it.”
Roxane Gay loves watching Law & Order: SVU - so do I! “I’ve seen most of the show’s episodes at least 20 times each. I suppose I should be embarrassed about this but I am not. I love a good procedural drama…”
“I’m often asked what my guilty pleasures are and I have to admit that really good bread and butter is definitely on the list,” was Ina Garten’s response. She orders the huge crusty loaves of sourdough bread from Poilane, the best bakery in Paris.
Psychologists would like to do away with the term guilty pleasures. In a Psychology Today article, Alan Jean Ph.D. says many psychologists believe guilt motivates people to follow social norms. Guilt is a self-conscious emotion that includes our perception of how others value us. Philosophers Kris Goffin and Florian Cova feel guilty pleasures are associated more with shame or embarrassment than guilt itself. And why should we feel guilt for enjoying some things but not others?
In her New Yorker article, Jennifer Szalai says it best, noting that guilty pleasures never involve actual transgression. She writes,
"If there is a contemporary idiom that puzzles and irritates me in equal measure, guilty pleasure is it. I object to neither the pleasure nor the guilt; it’s the modifying of one by the other that works my nerves, the awkward attempt to elevate as well as denigrate the object to which the phrase is typically assigned…The guilty pleasure is a vestige of America’s disappearing middlebrow culture…”
What are your thoughts? Are there things that you do that you consider guilty pleasure? Do you agree it is time to untangle the words guilty and pleasures? Do you think we feel less guilt, shame, and embarrassment as we age?