Four Northern Lights For Older Women
“We need to paddle north because the great gifts of this life stage, the northern lights, are waiting for us.”
A friend asked me last week if people are treating me differently now that I am older. Yes, I responded, sometimes I feel like I am fading, as though I no longer hold value. I met an old colleague for coffee recently, someone I had not seen in person during the pandemic. We have shared much over the years, not only about work but also our personal lives. As we drank our coffee, she did not once ask me about myself. At first, I looked for breaks in the conversation so I could update her about my life. Realizing this was unlikely to happen, I settled back and listened while she talked at me.
Possibly she needed to talk; after all, these days have been tough for all of us. I try to be a good listener; maybe she felt she could unburden herself. Or it could be that she thought I would be interested in hearing about the work world that I have left behind. But as I drove home later that afternoon, I felt invisible. Yes, I could have been angry or bitter, but instead, I just felt sad. I feel like I am living my best life right now. Why can others not see that?
In Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing as We Age, Mary Pipher writes that as older women, we are defined by our diminishment, looked at as sort of a diminished version of our former selves. She explores the cultural scripts focused on how older women are primarily defined by loss - the loss of their appearance, sexuality, health, etc. Yet like me, this contrasts with her own experience of being an older woman. “We are actually the happiest people around,” she writes. “We often tell each other that we're enjoying our lives more than ever before. Even when we’re in a really rough spot, like when we’re losing a sibling or a friend, we have decades of experience on how to cope with rough spots, and we end up being surprisingly resilient, despite whatever is happening.” She defines older women by their potential for growth and flourishing.
I read Facebook notifications from old colleagues, now retired. Lynn writes that she has so much going on that she may not have enough time to achieve her remaining life goals. Susan, who just turned 70, is painting, knitting, sewing, and camping; she shares that she has so many projects planned that she does not have time to die. Recently, I shared a photo of myself on an island beach trail. I looked at the photo and thought this is who I am. I have finally become myself. I shared May Sarton’s poem, Now I Become Myself. The response to the post and poem were overwhelmingly positive and substantiate Pipher’s findings.
You will know from reading my blog that I often post about paddling north in the company of like-minded women, an analogy that comes from Pipher’s writing. Pipher states that we need to paddle north because the great gifts of this life stage, the northern lights, are waiting for us. The following are the words she uses to define these northern lights:
1. Authenticity and Self-Acceptance
Pipher writes that as we age, many of us become more forgiving and capable of love. We can look back tenderly to when we were young and vulnerable to forces that no longer crash around us. We can love those lost girls and nurture the lonely, vulnerable and scared girl that is still inside us. She says that at this life stage, we have let go of the false selves we have carried with us through much of our life journey. We can finally tell the truth, at least to ourselves. This northern light comes from growing out of our fear into wholeness.
2. Expanded Moral Imagination
An expanded moral imagination speaks to our ability to move beyond the self to understand how the world looks and feels to another person. Pipher argues that this quality of moral imagination is crucial to our ability to face the enormous challenges that face us; in our familiar environments as well as in the wider world we share with one another.
She says time and moral imagination are the greatest healers of the human psyche - “if we are growing, we experience our circle of care expanding into a profound sense of connection to all living beings, and we feel a radical empathy.”
3. The Long View of Time and Life
As older women, we have weathered many storms, and we now hold a long view of the journey. And being present, without an agenda, can make the world a bigger place.
Pipher states time is a great teacher of perspective. She shares that her most important influence has been her family as she can see across six generations, from great grandparents to grandchildren. The long view of family helps her reflect on questions such as, what are the effects of parenting? What is in the blood? How did I become who I am today?
4. An Enhanced Capacity for Bliss
Sorrows and joys are intermingled at this life stage; we are more capable of bliss. Pipher writes that moments of bliss occur across all life spans, and as we age, such moments can become daily occurrences. She continues, “many of us experience bliss and awe when we are most in pain. Our losses and sorrows propel us towards that which is redemptive. We must find an emotional state to balance our despair. Great personal suffering can sometimes deepen our souls to the point they crack open and let in beauty.”
Pipher also stresses the importance of relationships at this life stage. Female friendships bring comfort and pleasure. Family and partners can become safe havens. But she says an aging woman’s most important relationship will always be with herself.
Do these words resonate with you? Do you find yourself paddling towards the northern lights? Or can you already glimpse them when you look at the night sky?