Craving Self-Insight
In my mid-40s, a therapist friend noted my bookshelf lined with self-help books. Neatly organized, based on subject, there were books on parenting, mother-daughter relationships, finding joy, and cognitive behavioural therapy. My friend gently suggested that I listen to my heart rather than my head.
So I began, struggling to allow space for my heart to guide me. The result was butterflies. I knew I was shifting to the right track when I started to feel uneasy, and my insides fluttered with uncertainty. Unfortunately, the right track continued to elude me.
I still read a lot, but had moved into a new genre, one I would call gentle spirituality - picture Super Soul Sundays but in book form. Books by renowned thought leaders who wrote of 'awakening readers to their best selves and discovering a deeper connection to the world around them’ - in the words of Super Soul Sunday. I was drifting closer to the truth. I felt I had almost found my destination on the river to discovery.
At 57 years old, I attended my first Circle of Trust retreat facilitated by Dan Hines on Bowen Island, a short ferry ride from Vanncouver. I was feeling burned out, working long hours, and life had once again lost its joy. I had been reading books by Parker J. Palmer, and was intrigued by retreats offered through the Center for Courage and Renewal, which he had helped create. The Courage & Renewal approach, guided by principles and practices that help create a space for reflection and belonging, helps people move towards personal and societal wholeness.
I usually steer away from retreats that sound 'touchy-feely'. However, this retreat based on Parker J. Palmer's teachings, invited me to 'explore solitude in community.' It was a bit awkward at first. Curiosity was not encouraged. I was not asked who I was, why I was there and what I hoped to accomplish – which is usually the introduction to most group processes I had participated in. I knew little about my fellow participants. Instead, I was invited into a circle to renew and reconnect to the inner passion and sense of purpose that gave meaning to my work and personal life. In this circle, with the help of conversation, creative process, stories, and poetry, we supported one another to re-discover the inner wisdom that guides and sustains us.
I drove home feeling a deep sense of contentment, eager to be more intentional in discovering what wholeness meant for me. I spent more time alone, heading off for solitary weekends. I attended more Courage and Renewal retreats as well as other workshops focused on self-discovery.
Increasingly, I turned inwards, journaling, walking, reflecting, and meditating. There was never a cathartic realization that I had discovered my inner truth. Instead, I was no longer purchasing self-help books. I felt at peace with myself. I must interject here to add that professional support also guided my journey. I did take advantage of the life coaching skills offered by a dear friend. Her questions helped me reshape some beliefs I had about myself. My personal truths emerged as she helped guide me down this river of self-discovery.
I am now in my 60s. Self-help books no longer line my shelves. I am feeling more comfortable with myself than at any other point in my life. My strong sense of self continues to soften and grow more positive as I age. Do I still seek advice? Not advice per se, but these days, I find comfort, understanding, and community through the many older women I have welcomed into my life since I have been blogging and facilitating writing workshops. There is a shared wisdom among older women. As SARK wrote, these women weave invisible nets of love that carry me when I am weak and sing with me when I am strong.
Earlier this week, I found an article amongst my emails, What makes some of us crave self-insight more than others? This article provided the backdrop for this blog post. I once loved personality quizzes as much as self-help books, so I laughed reading the opening line to the article, “Given the popularity of astrology columns, self-help books and personality quizzes, there are plenty of reasons to believe that most – if not all – people are intrigued to learn more about themselves, to make sense of who they really are."
I suppose that is what I had been doing all along, trying to make sense of who I really am. And so yes, of course, I read the article! Was I someone who craved self-insight?
Anyone who reads my blog regularly will know that while I may no longer need self-help books, I almost always infuse some evidence-based research into my posts. The truth matters to me - especially these days! And this article referenced a research study into why some of us crave self-insight.
Characteristics of self-insight motivated people:
The typical person with a strong self-insight motive is a relatively young and educated individual who is curious, open to new experiences, and concerned about maintaining close relationships.
Part of their personality is wanting to be admired by others.
These individuals try to dig deeper, always wanting to understand the ‘why’ behind everything. This also includes their own motivations, thoughts and behaviours.
Do I identify as a self-insight-motivated person? Yes. Am I less self-insight motivated now that I am older? Yes. Although I find this interesting as I still want to understand the ‘why’ behind everything, including my own motivations, thoughts and behaviours!
What about you? Were self-help books part of your life journey? Were you a self-insight-motivated woman? And what about now, when you are older and wiser?