A New Voice Keeps Me Company
“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice.”
Last week I began facilitating a new Women Rowing North: Writing Our Life Stories series, my first private group with six lovely women from Deep River and Toronto, Ontario, who have a web of connections between them. One of the women had mentioned to the workshop to another friend. Her friend, who had read Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing As We Age, replied, you’re taking a workshop with Mary Pipher? No, she replied, I’m taking a workshop with Helen. I had to laugh because I thought this might happen. While Mary Pipher has graciously given me permission to use the title of her book for my workshops, the term ‘Women Rowing North’ very much belongs to the author.
I shared in an earlier post that if Pipher had released her book before the start of Ageless Possibilities, I would have probably called this adventure Women Rowing North! Why? Well, partly because of the river and paddling imagery but also because Pipher’s words resonated so deeply for me when I read her book. Women Rowing North is the first book I have discovered, that chronicles our journey as women of a certain age in relatable terms. Those of you with daughters may remember Pipher best for her book, Reviving Ophelia, about societal pressures on adolescent girls, a book I read when my daughters were teenagers. Both these books have helped me navigate life’s journeys.
My copy of Pipher’s book is filled with post-it notes marking quotes, ideas I want to pursue, and potential blog posts. One of her themes that resonates deeply with me, and has since a few years before I began Ageless Possibilities, is recognizing and affirming our own needs. Pipher writes that as women, we have been constrained by the way we were taught to think, feel, and behave, by our culture’s definition of our roles. Our culture has taught us to be responsible, nurturing, and available to others. She suggests that as we get older, the more we understand ourselves, and the more skilled we become at distinguishing between acting on impulse and listening to the nurturing voice deep inside us.
I think at a certain age, we recognize at a deeper level that we need to assert our needs, even if that inconveniences others. I remember a few years back, feeling selfish when I began voicing my needs. I remember thinking, what would happen if I say no? Or if I say, I don’t want to? I had brief visions of my husband leaving me for a more compliant wife. But then I laughed at my thoughts; one of the things that drew my husband to me was my independence and my strong sense of self. Deep in my heart I know I have to listen to myself so I can take better care of myself. And yet, guilt still tugs at me as I think about making more intentional choices as to what I want to do, especially when those choices inconvenience others!
It is still not always easy. Last year, my mother was staying with us while she was going through radiation. I had very little time to myself, not easy for someone who craves solitude. One Saturday morning my creative juices were flowing, and I made plans to sit in my office and write all day. I had settled in, classical music softly playing in the background, and was busy scribbling notes. My husband was upstairs fixing brunch for the three of us. He called me to the table. I headed upstairs and told them I was going to eat at my desk as my writing was going so well. No one suggested that I eat with them, though the look on my husband’s face was easy to read. Now, here I need to be clear that the look on my husband’s face was disappointment, but there was also understanding; it was my own guilt that made me join them at the table. I was charged with anger, mainly at myself, for not standing my ground. And yes, the distraction and inner turmoil totally interrupted my creativity and I got very little accomplished that day except for some research.
I recognize that I am my own worst enemy. No one is holding me back other than the voices in my head. The voices that have brainwashed me into believing that I need to put everyone’s needs before mine. I’m not sure why this is so hard to let go of. Especially since, when I do speak up for what I need and want, I have not met with resistance but rather acknowledgment, and at times a sense of envy.
This past year I have listened to that soft, supportive inner voice encouraging me to continue this journey I am now on. This is week 44 of my blog and over the last two months, I have facilitated 4 sold-out courses on Writing Our Life Stories. My heart is full of happiness and my mind churns with new ideas I want to explore. I have been challenged about my desire to write about certain subjects. I have been questioned about the level of vulnerability, I have at times, shared with you. And yes, my writing continues to interrupt activities that I sometimes think I should be focusing on. I still can’t believe it when I say I’m not available for a meeting because it cuts into my writing time. I feel a twinge of selfishness, but also pride because I am placing value on my needs. I am listening to this new voice that is keeping me company, and it has not steered me wrong yet.
Do you have a nurturing, inner voice keeping you company? Do you speak up for what you need? Do you embrace the things that make you whole?