A Happiness Plan For Older Women
After 65, many of us get happier and happier. For others, happiness declines. Why is that? I shared a quote from Anne Lamotte on social media yesterday, “Age has given me what I was looking for all my life…I fit into me now…I have become the woman I hardly dared imagine I would be.” Yes, I definitely belong in the group that gets happier and happier.
But a few years ago, I did not feel happy. While still passionate about my work, I was bored and no longer performing at my best. The pandemic hit, my consulting work dried up, and I felt lost, wondering what I would do next. I felt my best years were behind me. Then something shifted. I began blogging, then started facilitating life story writing workshops. I spent more time with my family and friends. I took courses on aging - and read lots of books! And I began writing about my life journey, unraveling my past so I could be more intentional in creating a fulfilling future for myself.
I am now paddling the river of happiness, barring any unexpected roadblocks. After connecting with so many of you over these last few years, I know many of you are paddling the same river. But I wonder about women who are not happy, who find their happiness declining. As you may know, I am always intrigued by research that substantiates my beliefs. So, here is a bit of research that my friend Tracy led me to that I found fascinating as I reflect on my journey. It has helped me understand part of the reason for my happiness.
In May, Tracy sent me a link to a podcast which she thought my husband and I might find some interesting. The podcast was from Oprah’s Super Soul series. In April, Oprah interviewed Arthur Brooks, the author of From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life. He is a Harvard professor at the Kennedy Business School and a social scientist specializing in human behaviour, specifically, human happiness. I finally got around to watching the podcast on Friday, then watched several other interviews with Brooks. That night I began reading his book, which I finished early the next morning. Now I understand some of the reasons I became dissatisfied with my career and why my current path is a solid one to happiness.
Brooks writes that everybody has two success curves. These curves are based on two types of intelligence people possess.
The Thrive Curve
The first is the strive curve, based on fluid intelligence and focused on innovation and expertise. This intelligence is most prevalent early in adulthood, declining in our forties and fifties.
The Wisdom Curve
The wisdom curve is based on crystallized intelligence, increasing in our forties and fifties, getting higher in our sixties and staying high in our seventies and eighties. Crystallized intelligence focuses on being able to use the knowledge we learned in the past. Older people are better at teaching, mentoring, and collaborating. Brooks writes, “when you are young, you have raw smarts; when you are old you have wisdom. When you are young, you can generate lots of facts; when you are old, you know what they mean and how to use them.”
Did you know that the oldest college professors - especially in the humanities - have the best teaching evaluations? Older professors may have a decline in their research productivity (fluid intelligence) but excel at imparting accumulated knowledge and wisdom (crystallized intelligence) to their students.
People who are happiest are those who can transition successfully from the thrive curve to the wisdom curve.
So what does Brooks’ retirement plan for happiness? His plan includes four things you might want to consider. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if many of you, like me, are already doing this - and probably didn’t know, like me, that there is science backing our actions!
Romance Relationships and Close Friendships
Develop your relationships. Happiness is love. Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. The people most satisfied in their relationships at fifty are the healthiest at age eighty. Romance is the most important relationship. That is, not the passion of first love but stable affection, mutual understanding, and commitment. However, it is neither necessary nor sufficient to prevent loneliness. Numerous studies have shown that one of the great markers for happiness among people at midlife and beyond is people who can rattle off the names of a few authentic, close friends. You don’t need a lot of friends to be happy. In fact, we get more selective as we age. But the number should be more than zero and not include your partner.
2. Start Your Personal Journey
Many of us during the transition to this next life stage, grow more interested in spirituality or religion. Research shows that religious and spiritual adults are generally happier. So delve into this journey, whatever it might be.
Brooks writes of visiting an Indian guru to learn more about ashramas, the four stages of life. The focus for many of us now is vanaprastha.
Brahmacharya: the period of youth and young adulthood dedicated to learning
Grihastha: when a person builds a career, accumulates wealth and maintains a family
Vanaprastha: when we purposely begin to pull back from our personal and professional duties, becoming more and more devoted to spirituality and deep wisdom, crystallized intelligence, teaching and faith
Sanyasi - the last spiritual stage devoted to the fruits of enlightenment. The goal of this last phase of life is to drink from the chalice of life’s deepest secrets, studying and working on philosophical and theological matters
3. Welcome Vulnerability
Brené Brown taught us that we need to make ourselves vulnerable to others if we want to be happy. Evidence is overwhelming that vulnerability enhances life success. Being vulnerable allows us to connect more deeply with others, to see the sacredness in suffering, and find new areas of growth and success. Brooks writes, “If you are reluctant to embrace your weakness, start by imagining the peace in your heart from no longer pretending you are not weak. Visualize others drawn to you as a person of authenticity, defenceless and unafraid. See how they relax around you and confide in you. See how it lifts their spirits to be around a person of your considerable accomplishments who is unafraid to say, “I was once better at this than I am.”
4. Service to Others
Brooks, and others, may be giving us the evidence-based reasons why derive to others brings happiness but this is n to a new concept. Cicero believed three things about older age - 1) it should be dedicated to service, 2) our greatest gift later in life is wisdom, and 3) our natural ability is to counsel - mentoring, advising, and teaching others.Your wisdom is your greatest gift. Look at what you’re good at. How can you share that gift with others? I try to do this by introducing women to life story writing, and sharing my wisdom and vulnerability through this blog. Remember a few weeks ago I wrote about what I could bring to blogging that spoke to my heart and brought out my uniqueness? I now understand that is my wisdom. What about you? Remember, we are not talking about a career or a life calling (although for some women it is). Service to others can mean so many things - caregiving, reading to your grandchildren, being there for friends, helping a neighbour, writing a book, offering to mentor or coach someone - the possibilities are endless!
For some, the shift to this phase of life can be fairly seamless, with a few bumps along the way! For others, reframing what a successful life looks like as an older woman will take courage, transformation, and growth. I’m hoping that by sharing some of the wisdom from Strength to Strength, I have calmed the waters for you so your paddling is just a little bit easier.
FURTHER READING
I hope I have done justice to the research and ideas Arthur Brooks shares in his book. I have shared with you some of the pieces that resonated with me. But there is a lot more! The book is not long (134 pages) and easily accessible - I borrowed it from the library. To learn more about what I have touched on I would highly recommend reading the book. He touches on some other topics that you might also find interesting:
The Reverse Bucket List
People think if they get what they want, they’ll be satisfied. But that’s a lie. The key is to want less. There are only four things that matter - your faith, family, friends and work that serves others. If we remember that we can be happy. Brooks also writes that the happiest people when they get older don’t keep accumulating, they begin chipping away at their lives to find their true lives.
Success Can Be An Addiction
Brooks recounts a conversation he had with a woman, a highly respected, successful woman who worked on Wall Street, who was not happy. Her marriage was unsatisfactory, she had few real friends, and her relationship with her children was distant. She worked incredibly long hours and felt physically exhausted. Her work was everything to her. When Brooks asked why she didn’t address her unhappiness, she responded, “Maybe I would prefer to be special rather than happy.” Brooks then addresses workaholism which he considers one of the nastiest and most virulent addictions.
I find research around happiness fascinating! If you are also interested in happiness you may want to check out Greater Good Magazine: Science Based Insights For A Meaningful Life. Great topic, quizzes, resources - and it’s easy to read. This year also marks the 10th anniversary of the World Happiness Report, which uses global survey data to report how people evaluate their own lives in more than 150 countries worldwide. Who do you think are the happiest people in the world?