Living in Limbo
I sent a newsletter to Ageless Possibilities subscribers about an hour ago sharing that I had no blog to offer this week and then wrote about this week spent living in limbo. I have had several messages from women in the past hour sharing this similar sentiment, “Your description of how it feels to be in limbo, the experience of how it feels to be flattened by the world around us resonates with me. Your non blog post is a pretty powerful blog post.” I sometimes forget that it is just as important to share the sad, hurt pieces of my life so you know my life is not all sunshine and roses - because my stories are sometimes also your stories. So here is the message I sent this morning to the many amazing, supportive women who subscribe to Ageless Possibilities.
It is Sunday morning. 10:00 am here on the West Coast. I have no blog to offer you today. I tried, oh, how I tried. Several times during the week I sat down with my laptop planning to write. Instead, I played addiction solitaire, browsed Airbnb’s in far-off places, or headed to the kitchen to stuff my face with carbs.
I feel like I am living in limbo this week. It began with Biden’s resignation. All I could envision was Trump as the next president. I visited news sites all day, wanting more information and reassurance. What now?
And then the fires. My husband and I met in Jasper. He owned a restaurant. I was working to save money to go travelling. We were married in Jasper. Over 1/3 of Jasper has been destroyed by fire. The house I rented back then has burned to the ground. Many friends who attended our wedding have lost their homes. I think of the herds of elk grazing on the edge of town, the bears who wandered down the streets, and the wolves howling in the night. I think of the fear, the terror, and the worry of both man and beast. Again, I have been glued to the news, wanting more information and reassurance.
I had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. I knew my doctor would be unhappy with me, and she was. I have gained weight, I am not exercising enough, and I am drinking too much. Could I stop drinking if I wanted to, she asked. Yes, I reassured her. I don’t need to drink. It is a habit borne during the pandemic. Nightly, my husband and I would catch up on the horrors of the day over a drink or two. And these days, around 5 pm, we pour a drink and chat, play cribbage, or sit on the deck with our books. And then another drink with dinner. Fourteen drinks a week, and okay, maybe a few more on a hot day or when we have company. Did you know drinking too much is a concern in retirement? But now, in addition to going for a hearing test and x-rays to confirm the arthritis in my knee, I also need to go for a liver function test to see if my liver enzymes are elevated.
Yes, there are moments Bella makes me want to scream, but she is my port in the storm these days.
The week was not all gloom and doom. Our puppy, Bella, brings joy and delight to my life. We are going for longer walks along the ocean and through old-growth forest, reminding me of the wonders found in nature. Bella is also a snuggler. Anyone who has been a recipient of puppy cuddles will understand that comfort. (She’s also exasperating as hell! I was so focused on writing these words that I did not see her digging up my succulents. I have just had to take a break down to hose down the deck - and Bella!)
Another junco has moved into the hanging basket on our deck. I peeked into the nest yesterday, expecting another clutch of eggs, but the nest was empty. I should have known. This junco is not distressed when I come near the plant. She treats me like a visitor to her home, coming surprisingly close and chittering to me from the bird bath by my potting table as I weed and water.
This week, a blog post by Linda at The Precious Days gave me affirmation that the life story workshops I facilitate make a difference in women’s lives. Linda’s blog, in her words, offers a lot of reflection and a little inspiration for women living the precious days. As women living the precious days, it is a blog worth following.
Linda’s blog post this week, Women’s Voices, speaks of her experiences as a participant in my life story workshops, Women Rowing North: Writing Our Life Stories. I can see from my website analytics that quite a few of you checked out my workshop offerings this week. If you are still hesitant about signing up, Linda’s experience - shared by many women - may give you the courage and confidence to register!
Your week may not parallel mine, but I am not the only one living in limbo. Katharine, who writes at A Wabi Sabi Life, another blog worth following, shared a poem with me three years ago in response to When Despair For the World Grows In Me, a blog post I wrote post-pandemic.
“darling, you heavy because you are too full of the truth
open your mouth more. let the truth exist somewhere other than inside your body.”